Back to the Feet of Jesus

At some point these past several months I have become discouraged with prayer; at least that is how I look at in my mind and heart after many conversations and cries out to God.  I came to a point where I was beyond dry and weary this past month.  Now, I believe most of it is being caused by pregnancy hormones at the end of my third trimester, all while enduring the heat and humidity of Houston’s summer and caring for and loving on my precious twin boys (who turn 17 months today!).  But despite this, there was a deeper dryness in my soul that only the Holy Spirit can bring to the surface and use to draw me back and closer to my Lord.

After a few weeks of feeling like I was crumbling emotionally, God allowed me to see that my prayer life had become relatively surface.  I still talk to God every day, all throughout the day, and about anything.  The boys and I still read Scripture and sing songs about God and pray to Him.  But my personal relationship with God was what had become surface and our conversations dry.  Technically it was my part of the conversation that was dry and my ears and heart that were not being still to listen and wait on Him.  

How and why could I have let this happen I continued to ask God and myself?

He slowly began to show me.

I’m the type of person who wants detailed instructions on how to proceed.  When I need to do something, I want to know how to do it and do it right (actually perfect which is another problem in itself).  And the area of motherhood is no exception.  If I have a parenting question, I want to know what the right choice is and how to go about doing it.  If I feel weary emotionally or physically, I want energy.  As much as I hate to admit it, I’m no different than a child in the fact that I want something and I want it now.  And this is what my heart’s prayers were like for a while.  I’d pour out my heart to God explaining I needed energy, peace, patience, guidance and wisdom.  Excellent requests I know.  But my heart was not focused on God.  I saw Him as a genie who would give me the energy, peace, patience, guidance and wisdom just because I asked.  Yes, God always provides, but He does so as He knows is best, and not necessarily on our terms. 

Because my heart was not focused on God, but rather my circumstances, I began to get discouraged when I continued to be weary or clueless about certain areas of parenting.  Although unintentional, this discouragement is what I think began my slow drift away from what my relationship with God was. 

Once God had showed me my heart, I began to ask Him to guide me to where He wants me and what He wants me to do.  I asked for energy, peace, patience, guidance and wisdom, but only as He decided was best.  Since then, He has been helping me in my prayer life again and showing me where to find and how to embrace His peace He continually lavishes us with.  One evening several nights ago after the boys went to bed, God led me to search for Scriptures that were an encouragement to me.  I needed reminders of His truths to get me through moments I refer to as 'the heat of battle’ that every mother knows from time to time; times when days are just beyond rough or completely out of your control.  I found passages that fit my heart’s needs perfectly, printed them out and posted them around the house downstairs and upstairs.  I read them often to myself or out loud to the boys throughout the day (which they love), and make a special point to read them when I’m feeling weary.  I’ve caught myself actually reciting them even when I’m nowhere near them.   (I posted the Scripture passages I chose at the end of this post.)

God has also shown me that I become most weary emotionally and physically when my eyes are on myself and not Him.  There are some days I’m so tired, I just want something to be convenient, and let’s face it, not too many areas of motherhood are convenient.  It requires a lot of consistent effort and love no matter how you are feeling that day.  But through prayer, God has helped me keep my eyes focused on Him and His will instead of myself.  I realize now that God will provide for my every need, never leave me, is my strength and even goes before me in each situation.  I don’t have to worry about my steps, only that I take the next one in front of me.  I’ve found great peace and joy as I turn tiring situations these past several days into moments of asking God what is he doing in my sons’ lives or ours; in asking God what it is He desires for me to teach or do for those around me instead of what He can do for me. 

There are so many other branches of this subject I could get wrappred up in writing about, but for now I just wanted to capture my thankfulness that God has allowed me to see my heart and has covered me with His grace and shown me His better way; the best way!  I always say that God is much bigger than any success or failure of mine.  For this I am continually thankful!  This week I have an extra big smile when I see that God is also much bigger than my pregnancy hormones and physical fatigue! 

Gavin and Wyatt’s favorite song is a perfect way to end this post:

“My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY!  There is NOTHING my God can NOT do!!! “

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7~

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“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man.

But God is faithful; who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able. But with the temptation you will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”   ~1 Corinthians 10:13~

“In your anger do not sin… and do not give the devil a foothold.” 

~Ephesians 4:26-27~

“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”  ~Proverbs 14:1~

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“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah.” ~Psalm 46:1-3,7~

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strength you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”  ~Isaiah 41:10~

“And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you.  He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”

~Deuteronomy 31:8~

“For God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (self-control/calm).” ~2 Timothy 1:7~

“Commit your works to the LORD, and your thoughts will be established (he will establish your plans).”   ~Proverbs 16:3~

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“But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good.”

~2 Thessalonians 3:13~

“But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” ~Isaiah 40:31~

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” ~Matthew 11:28-30~

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“Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

~1 Corinthians 13:4-7~