Job 1:21

“The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” ~Job 1:21~

I sit here and wonder where to even begin; for I’ll never be able to put into words the feelings of my heart. It sits in my top draw, always placed on top, the only physical reminder left of our sweet blessing God gave us for only a short time. The LORD gave us another child, and has called him/her home after only 6 weeks in the womb. May the name of the LORD be praised now and forever.

The week of November 14th, we were surprised with a positive pregnancy test! While not trying, and taking precautions, we were very surprised to say the least. I remember dancing around the kitchen as Gavin and Wyatt were eating lunch, telling them they were going to be big brothers. They were just laughing and clapping along with me. There was some fear naturally, as the three of them would only be 16 months apart. But what a wonderful and glorious blessing we had been given!

Due to spotting, my doctor wanted me to get blood work to check my hcg levels. Wednesday’s test verified we were pregnant. Thursday morning however I awoke to sever bleeding which continued for a while. Another blood test on Friday verified my hcg levels were drastically decreasing. Oh how my heart aches. The complete shock of such a wonderful gift taken so quickly away. I do not claim to know God’s ways, but I do know His ways are perfect. He is a kind, loving, all-knowing God who works all things for good.

I’ll never forget some of the ways God brought me comfort in the days to come. One especially etched in my heart and mind was brought through Gavin and Wyatt. I was in the restroom as my heart was aching, when two amazing little boys barged in on me. The door came flying open as they crawled ever so quickly; laughing, squealing and chasing each other. They had the biggest grins on their face as they smiled up at me. Thank you LORD for speaking through your two wonderful sons You have entrusted us with!!

I thank God that we took a test and knew we were pregnant. If I would have waited just a few more days, I never would have known. How wonderful that I was able to love our sweet child with all my heart during his/her short life. How wonderful knowing we have a sweet baby who is getting lots of hugs and kisses from Jesus this very moment. How wonderful to know that I get to love this child the rest of my life. Oh how my heart aches though. The tears still fall and it’s hard to talk about; every day I think about him/her.

I’ve learned something major through this miscarriage. You see, for a few weeks I had a continual ‘feeling’ that I was pregnant. I kept dismissing it thinking my mind was being bazaar. I was convinced that for some reason my body/mind was trying to convince me to start trying. Why would we want to start trying when the boys were only 8 months? So I ignored all the ‘thoughts’. But I’d spend time thinking about how wonderful it would be to have another lil’ one someday. I’d started to think that Jason and I should have a conversation about when to perhaps consider it (down the road of course). The idea of being pregnant was a wonderful one to me; even though I didn’t know why I was even thinking about it. Then my body was ‘getting in on the convincing’ too. I was extremely nauseous for a couple of days, but then it went away. I thought perhaps I had a very small version of the boys’ stomach bug. Then I had other symptoms that I only had while pregnant with the boys. Well, after being late for more than a week, I took a test. I am convinced it wasn’t my body talking to me, but it was God. God was telling me He had given us a child to love, even if only for a short time. If I would have listened, instead of dismissing His voice as my insanity, I could have loved on our sweet child at least a week longer or more.

Thank you LORD for your gifts, no matter how long we have them, no matter how You give them. Thank You also for never leaving us alone. Thank You for your peace, joy and comfort. Thank You for your love. Thank You for loving my sweet child I’ll never meet more than I can fathom. Thank You for my dear husband and best friend. Thank You for our most precious Gavin and Wyatt You’ve entrusted us with. Thank You LORD. Thank You.