My how time has flown. It for sure hasn't been one of those 'time flies when having fun' moments lately, but more like I'm in shock at how much we have grown individually and as a couple; mentally, emotionally and spiritually, all in a relative short amount of time.
We've gone from the world of dating, to engagement, to marriage and all the major and minor life's events in there. We've gone through college and all its activities together, we've graduated together and built our first home together, and started our 'real' jobs together. We've discussed when to start a family and gone through the roller-coasters of infertility. We've discussed that we would not wait a long time before being tested (and thanks be to God for that!) and then which path to take after we received our results. Now that we are marking the end of this IVF path, looking back, I can say that we really have grown so much in such a short time. Neither Jason nor I are the same people we were when we meet for the first time in October of 2002 or when we first started dating in January 2003. We aren't even the same as we were this time last year as we enjoyed St. Lucia and 'kicked off' our trip towards parenthood. Now exactly a year later we are kissing good bye to this chapter in our lives and getting ready to take on a whole new one!
In less than a week, our little babies will be conceived and then will soon be growing in my tummy. I am hopeful in this because my trust and complete confidence in my God who strengthens me. I know after this week, our lives will never be the same and I can't wait to hold and kiss our little ones soon!
So I've started all my injections already; that's three per night right now. I have to say that it has all been so much easier than I thought. I know that is all relative and maybe it's because God is strengthening me and my eyes are focused on Him, my husband and our sweet babies. While this is likely the case, I am so thankful. This is the hardest week; hormones still ever changing and I'm now becoming tender internally as all my eggs are maturing and my ovaries are expanding. I laughed yesterday when I realized that I had more mature eggs in me than my dog Pickles does when she's in heat and ready for a 'litter'! To date the doctor appointments have been going well and I'm doing great. I pray for God's continual guidance and provisions throughout all of this.
While all is going well, this is still hard on us emotionally and I pray continually for strength spiritually. I've been having reoccurring dreams the past couple of weeks. They vary from dream to dream, but the premise is the same. I'll be driving at night and all is pitch black around me; I can't see anything. No matter what I try to do, the only light that will be produced is right in front of me, and I mean, right in front where I can see only my tires or the hood of the car. Feelings are fearful but I know I must keep on driving forward. It's not the dark that causes fear, but knowing that I must keep moving in the dark that causes the anxiety and makes me call out to God and ask for reassurance from Him. Sometimes I wake up while still driving w/o any sight and sometimes a car will come out in front of me. In my most recent dream it was a Police SUV that pulled out in front of me; only that suv was dimly lit and all else remained dark. I was so thankful to have something to keep my focus on during that dark time. Like in other dreams of mine in the past, I know that the 'emergency vehicles or people' represent spiritual beings, whether angels or God. In this dream, I knew that it was God reassuring me that He is 'right here with me' and that I am to keep my eyes focused on Him. While this doesn't help answer some questions we have or shine some light on the road signs, He shows us His grace is sufficient and that He is leading us; even though it's dark and we are uncertain so often. I am thankful for God's continual reminding on this and my soul rejoices and says:
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him."
~Psalm 28:7~
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Laughter and Sharing - Spring Break 2010
So Spring Break came and went and I DIDN'T TAKE ANY PICTURES... ugh, I can't believe it. But, that week was so relaxing and enjoyable (minus work that is...) that taking pictures just never really came to my mind. I really don't think pictures would have done justice to our time of visiting either. My mom, sister and brother got to come down from El Paso for the week. We had a great time visiting outside, eating dinner on our 'new' patio, playing multiple games of Apples to Apples almost every night, girl shopping time, guy Call of Duty time, and so much time to share, laugh and talk. Sometimes it is so nice to just sit back with a cup of coffee and share life with each other. Sometimes we don't need the 'hustle and bustle' or have to go do something to have a great time. I cherish our time of laughter that week and am so thankful for this gift. No pictures could have captured this and thus, I'll give myself a break by not having any to show. We'll take some this summer though for sure!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Kutless and Casting Crowns Concert
Darkness filled the room and soon sounds from the stage began to quiet the chatter of the crowd. Softly you could hear children singing, 'it is well with my soul' in the background... footsteps could be heard over the singing... then a very brief moment of silence left you sitting on your seat waiting for what will happen next... then the lights began to flash, black, white and red as the music began to drum throughout and cheers from the crowd echoed. Kutless' opening song, 'It Is Well' was the perfect intro! It was amazing listening to him belt it out... 'IT IS WELL......... WITH MY SOUL..... IT IS WELL......... WITH MY SOUL....' If you haven't heard the song, try to find it on iTunes! I just love it. Hearing it in person was so much better too. You could actually feel the passion in his voice as he sang and the musicians played along.
Casting Crowns followed after Kutless played a few of their songs. It was a great evening marked with much joy and tears as we sang of and for our beautiful Creator! They sang a good mixture of some of their most recent songs as well as some of their older ones. I'd like to leave you with a new Casting Crowns favorite of mine thanks to this concert!
Blessed Redeemer
Up Calvary’s mountain one dreadful morn
Walked Christ my Savior, weary and worn
Facing for sinners death on the cross
That He might save them from endless loss
Blessed Redeemer, precious Redeemer
Seems now I see Him on Calvary’s tree
Wounded and bleeding, for sinners pleading
Blind and unheeding, dying for me
“Father, forgive them,” my Savior prayed
Even while His lifeblood flowed fast away
Praying for sinners while in such woe
No one but Jesus ever loved so
Dying for me
Oh how I love Him,
Savior and friend
How can my praises
ever find end
Through years unnumbered on Heaven’s shore
My songs shall praise Him forevermore
Concert held in Cypress on Friday, March 12th.
Casting Crowns followed after Kutless played a few of their songs. It was a great evening marked with much joy and tears as we sang of and for our beautiful Creator! They sang a good mixture of some of their most recent songs as well as some of their older ones. I'd like to leave you with a new Casting Crowns favorite of mine thanks to this concert!
Blessed Redeemer
Up Calvary’s mountain one dreadful morn
Walked Christ my Savior, weary and worn
Facing for sinners death on the cross
That He might save them from endless loss
Blessed Redeemer, precious Redeemer
Seems now I see Him on Calvary’s tree
Wounded and bleeding, for sinners pleading
Blind and unheeding, dying for me
“Father, forgive them,” my Savior prayed
Even while His lifeblood flowed fast away
Praying for sinners while in such woe
No one but Jesus ever loved so
Dying for me
Oh how I love Him,
Savior and friend
How can my praises
ever find end
Through years unnumbered on Heaven’s shore
My songs shall praise Him forevermore
Concert held in Cypress on Friday, March 12th.
Midnight Noodles Story
Well, I have to start off sharing that Jason and I have the two cutest dogs in the whole wide world! We just love them to pieces. In the middle of the night Noodles just made me crack up; so here is the story:
It all started when we were getting ready to put the dogs to bed last night. I looked over and realized that their bowls were empty and they hadn’t eaten since this morning. Now typically we keep their bowls filled and they just munch throughout the day when they are hungry. I sure didn’t want our babies going to bed with any hunger pains, so I told Jason we had to wait so they could have a chance to fill their tummies. So we quickly filled their bowls and settled on the couch as the pups chowed down. As usual, Pickles is the first to finish and comes over to the couch to visit with us. As always, she looks at us with such love and I bend down to give her a hug and a great big kiss. As I do and just as typical, our princess Pickles in all her lady-like fashion lets out a huge burp right in my face, as if to say ‘thank you mom for such a great meal…’ Gross! But I do say that is better than all the sneezes Noodles blew on me today; I guess he has allergies too.
So the four of us (counting Ares the cat) are in the living room as Noodles is poking along with his evening meal. Normal dogs scarf down food, no matter what it is, but not our Noodles! About 40% of the time he decides he does not like to eat out of the bowl we give him or eat in the kitchen for that matter. So he grabs a mouthful of morsels and marches to our carpet in the living room and drops the mouthful right on our white carpet. Now he can proceed by eating a few morsels at a time. Once this is gone, he quickly goes into the kitchen, grabs another mouthful and then he’s off to another round displaying his stupidity. Now you must know that our dogs are treated to ‘special meals’ throughout the week consisting of our dinner leftovers. They just get so excited as we fill their bowls with scraps of meat, fat trimmings, a variety of noodles or potatoes and even some veggies. I am so proud of our Pickles… she eats all the veggies we give her. She takes a bite, pauses as if to try to figure out what on earth we gave her, and then as if to say, ‘hum… this is interesting…’ scarfs down everything. Noodles is the picky eater, and by no means will touch veggies. Meet and flavorful noodles (go figure!) are his favorites. I say this because it reminds me of the first time we gave our dogs tasty left over noodles with a wide variety of spices and COLORS… Noodles grabbed a mouthful and yup… dropped it on the white carpet, spread it around as if he was trying to spell out 'thank you'… So now, we do not give any COLORFUL meals to our dogs inside. If they get a colorful treat, then outside they go…!
So anyways, Noodles proceeds to do his eating routine which drives me batty. 15 minutes later he is done too! So now Jason and I look at each other knowing what the evening will bring. “You’re getting up with them in the middle of the night,’ Jason tells me! Every evening we have to let our dogs out for a potty break right before they go to bed in order for them to sleep through the night. If we let them go outside and then play inside for 15 min or so, they’ll be whining in a few hours needing to go out. It doesn’t make any sense, but we have learned our babies. But we had no choice tonight, we knew that since they ate so late, they would be waking up for a potty break sometime soon. So off to bed they went as did we.
About 12:30 this morning I hear in my dreams what sounds like pipes rattling or wind in the distance. As time progresses, I realize that it’s Noodles whining and once confirmed in my drowsy state, I get up to let him out. Now it’s clear that it’s the middle of the night; pitch black and a grumbling mom should tell the dogs that it’s not morning time yet. Every morning I great them with the same, ‘Good morning Sweet Stinky Butts’… I know it’s weird, but they love it. Then we sit on the floor as they stretch and tell me all about their dreams! But it’s the middle of the night and no ‘good morning songs’ are being sung by this mama. I open his cage and he comes out stretching, tail wagging and ready to tell me his dreams. I push him towards the kitchen telling him it’s not time to play and he quickly runs outside. So I go to the window and make sure he’s not playing around or lounging on our patio furniture… I see him doing his business, mind you that it’s not in one place, but they have to go in 4 different places in one ‘business transaction’… So then it happens; the cutest thing! Noodles finishes his business and then begins to run around all frisky, tail wagging and leaping in the air. He has such a skip to his steps as he heads to his water bucket to wet his whistle. Then he skips to the back door; tail still wagging! Then he sees me… he pauses and looks at me not sure if he should act so happy in case I’m grumpy he’s up and not in bed… So I open the door and give him a hug and tell him he’s such a good boy. That sweet dog starts to head to his bed, tail wagging and the same great skip to his step the whole way! I close the gate to his kennel and say good night and find myself having a ‘skip to my step’ as I head back to bed too.
Thank you sweet pups for brining such joy to our lives… even if it’s in the middle of the night!
It all started when we were getting ready to put the dogs to bed last night. I looked over and realized that their bowls were empty and they hadn’t eaten since this morning. Now typically we keep their bowls filled and they just munch throughout the day when they are hungry. I sure didn’t want our babies going to bed with any hunger pains, so I told Jason we had to wait so they could have a chance to fill their tummies. So we quickly filled their bowls and settled on the couch as the pups chowed down. As usual, Pickles is the first to finish and comes over to the couch to visit with us. As always, she looks at us with such love and I bend down to give her a hug and a great big kiss. As I do and just as typical, our princess Pickles in all her lady-like fashion lets out a huge burp right in my face, as if to say ‘thank you mom for such a great meal…’ Gross! But I do say that is better than all the sneezes Noodles blew on me today; I guess he has allergies too.
So the four of us (counting Ares the cat) are in the living room as Noodles is poking along with his evening meal. Normal dogs scarf down food, no matter what it is, but not our Noodles! About 40% of the time he decides he does not like to eat out of the bowl we give him or eat in the kitchen for that matter. So he grabs a mouthful of morsels and marches to our carpet in the living room and drops the mouthful right on our white carpet. Now he can proceed by eating a few morsels at a time. Once this is gone, he quickly goes into the kitchen, grabs another mouthful and then he’s off to another round displaying his stupidity. Now you must know that our dogs are treated to ‘special meals’ throughout the week consisting of our dinner leftovers. They just get so excited as we fill their bowls with scraps of meat, fat trimmings, a variety of noodles or potatoes and even some veggies. I am so proud of our Pickles… she eats all the veggies we give her. She takes a bite, pauses as if to try to figure out what on earth we gave her, and then as if to say, ‘hum… this is interesting…’ scarfs down everything. Noodles is the picky eater, and by no means will touch veggies. Meet and flavorful noodles (go figure!) are his favorites. I say this because it reminds me of the first time we gave our dogs tasty left over noodles with a wide variety of spices and COLORS… Noodles grabbed a mouthful and yup… dropped it on the white carpet, spread it around as if he was trying to spell out 'thank you'… So now, we do not give any COLORFUL meals to our dogs inside. If they get a colorful treat, then outside they go…!
So anyways, Noodles proceeds to do his eating routine which drives me batty. 15 minutes later he is done too! So now Jason and I look at each other knowing what the evening will bring. “You’re getting up with them in the middle of the night,’ Jason tells me! Every evening we have to let our dogs out for a potty break right before they go to bed in order for them to sleep through the night. If we let them go outside and then play inside for 15 min or so, they’ll be whining in a few hours needing to go out. It doesn’t make any sense, but we have learned our babies. But we had no choice tonight, we knew that since they ate so late, they would be waking up for a potty break sometime soon. So off to bed they went as did we.
About 12:30 this morning I hear in my dreams what sounds like pipes rattling or wind in the distance. As time progresses, I realize that it’s Noodles whining and once confirmed in my drowsy state, I get up to let him out. Now it’s clear that it’s the middle of the night; pitch black and a grumbling mom should tell the dogs that it’s not morning time yet. Every morning I great them with the same, ‘Good morning Sweet Stinky Butts’… I know it’s weird, but they love it. Then we sit on the floor as they stretch and tell me all about their dreams! But it’s the middle of the night and no ‘good morning songs’ are being sung by this mama. I open his cage and he comes out stretching, tail wagging and ready to tell me his dreams. I push him towards the kitchen telling him it’s not time to play and he quickly runs outside. So I go to the window and make sure he’s not playing around or lounging on our patio furniture… I see him doing his business, mind you that it’s not in one place, but they have to go in 4 different places in one ‘business transaction’… So then it happens; the cutest thing! Noodles finishes his business and then begins to run around all frisky, tail wagging and leaping in the air. He has such a skip to his steps as he heads to his water bucket to wet his whistle. Then he skips to the back door; tail still wagging! Then he sees me… he pauses and looks at me not sure if he should act so happy in case I’m grumpy he’s up and not in bed… So I open the door and give him a hug and tell him he’s such a good boy. That sweet dog starts to head to his bed, tail wagging and the same great skip to his step the whole way! I close the gate to his kennel and say good night and find myself having a ‘skip to my step’ as I head back to bed too.
Thank you sweet pups for brining such joy to our lives… even if it’s in the middle of the night!
Babies, Toddlers and Puppies
So Wednesday I had such a wonderful day! I was blessed with two extra 'treats' in my day! I started off visiting some new friends from church who have 4 year old triplets and 2 month old twins! Oh, I have to share, this family is so beautiful! The parents have done such a wonderful job rearing the triplets. I got to spend two hours visiting and getting to know Angela while holding one of the twins and watching the triplets show me all their 'tricks'! I was in heaven and so thankful God has allowed me to meet this great family. I am thankful to have a new friend who I can talk with about life and even things that so few of us have to go through. And how encouraging it is to hear such wonderful 'success stories' and all the dos and don'ts. Reading about infertility challenges and treatments can be so scary, but when you can talk with someone in person, many fears seem to be minimized. Plus it's great to share life with others in general! I can not wait to get to know this sweet family more! I pray in a year we can all get together with our multiples and have a ball!
Then, in the same day I got to go see Noodles' new puppies! They are so cute! They were born on the 15th of March and still have not opened their little eyes. Ms. Darbi is such a good mama; her and the pups are doing great! There are 3 lemon and whites and 7 tri-colored; 2 males and 8 females! All of them are just so cute! I just loved listening to the lil' noises they make and enjoyed giving them hugs and kisses! I miss our puppies, but loved hearing that they are doing well and seeing all the updated pictures (you can see them on our Basset Blog).
So all in all, it was a beautiful day filled with the joys of being around babies, toddlers, puppies and a new friend!
Then, in the same day I got to go see Noodles' new puppies! They are so cute! They were born on the 15th of March and still have not opened their little eyes. Ms. Darbi is such a good mama; her and the pups are doing great! There are 3 lemon and whites and 7 tri-colored; 2 males and 8 females! All of them are just so cute! I just loved listening to the lil' noises they make and enjoyed giving them hugs and kisses! I miss our puppies, but loved hearing that they are doing well and seeing all the updated pictures (you can see them on our Basset Blog).
So all in all, it was a beautiful day filled with the joys of being around babies, toddlers, puppies and a new friend!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Reflections
I spent some time Sunday afternoon going through my old journals and enjoying seeing where God has taken me from and to. I really enjoyed focusing my reflections in the areas concerning our journey around parenthood and finding a home church. Back in May of 2008 I felt God reminding me that He has plans for me while teaching me to be content. In July my focus was moved to ‘perspective’ and ‘change’ then on into ‘trust’ and ‘listening’. In late July I wrote, “In reference to the longing of my heart; my passion: How sweet are our (mine and Jason’s) conversations surrounding these…How precious is this time God has given us as a couple; a time to bond, to share in our excitements and a time when we are ready and yet know it’s not quite time. I will continue to pray for guidance…”
That week my dear friend spoke to me about a story referencing a tree without water. Do I give up and seek my own means, ways and judgments and then wither, or do I stretch, growing my roots and drinking of the water? “Lord, let me stretch! Let me grow deeper towards You, to Your beautiful pool of water. I will seek You continually with this desire. Lord let me grow. Let me hear you when You call and let me grow when you want me to stretch to the waters! I love you LORD, my heart and life be for You and Your will!” I said.
I learned with time that I did not want my desires to be diluted while I was in a time of wait, but rather that they grow stronger still and that they be moved and wrapped around His will and guidance alone. ‘May I use this desire to prepare for Your will…This is the time You have blessed me with to prepare.’
I was in a stage of wait for the longest of time. Waiting for many things; friendships, service, finding the home church God wanted us at, children, contentment with work, etc… “I’m in a stage of wait; a stage where my purpose is to follow and be molded,” I wrote.
In September 2008, God was teaching me:
To focus on Him alone; my joy is from Him alone.
I won’t be who He wants me to be and used for reasons He wishes until I learn to always want His will at any cost.
In December 2008, “God has assured me that He has plans for me and He is in control. Peace fills me as I am told to wait and endure this waiting time. He will provide and all will fall in place. The LORD will not let my desire be in vain. He will use me, He will strengthen me. I will wait and be of good cheer for God is with me and has plans for me…”
Prayer in January 2009, “You have made known to me the path of life, You will fill me with joy in Your presence with eternal pleasures at You right hand. I have many desires within me. I understand that my longings are not always bad, but in my impatience, Lord, help me not to attempt to meet those longings in wrong ways. Help me to be patient and hear You. You always have what is best for me in mind. It is Your timing that is important. Thank You that the day is coming when the deepest thirst and longings of my soul will be fully satisfied in Your presence.”
In February 2009, “I often wonder what God’s plans are. If we will get pregnant quickly, who are children will be, etc… How exciting!” At this point we received clear signs that the church we were attending for a year was no longer the place God wanted us. We began our search for a new church home. It wouldn’t be until the end of June that we attended St. John for the first time. It was then that we knew we had come to the place God wanted us to serve!!
As I read through my journal, I also saw the beautiful steps God lead me to in areas of service He was preparing for me to do. I saw my attention and passions go from the broad areas of families, to children, to the youth, to young ladies in about a 2 year span. Now I am so excited to be focusing on developing friendships with the young ladies at St. John as we mentor each other through these stages of life!
The rest of 2009 was spent in cycling anticipation of pregnancy and crying out to the Lord in disappointment. We learned of ‘road blocks’ and realized God might have other plans for our ‘journey’. My heart is saddened as I reflect on my words from last year and yet I rejoice as I read through my thoughts and prayers. I leave you with my prayer I’ve prayed for a year which is forever in my heart.
“Before I formed you in the womb… I knew you, says Jeremiah 1:5. Matthew 26:39 says, ‘Not as I will, but as You will.’ I want whatever Your will may be. We accept you plans and we are asking You to help us walk in obedience according to Your will. We want to walk in Your ways, not ours. A man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord shall direct his steps. Prepare us for the days that lie ahead and go before us. All our days are numbered and know by You. We will seek You at all times, Father. You alone know the future our children would have. I want to raise them in fear of the Lord, that they may serve You all the days of their life. I ask that You grant me peace in this time while I quietly wait for You… I ask for Your will to be done and my heart trust in You.” ~taken from “Expectant Prayers for Expectant Mothers~
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Hormones...
Hormones.
I often wonder why God made hormones so 'extreme'.
I mean, testosterone causes men to be down right ridiculous sometimes. Who really in their right mind would like to watch football and get into a fight all while farting and talking about boogers? Only testosterone causes men to want to smell something that their friends just said was the most fowl smelling thing they have ever come across.
But then there is estrogen. In my opinion, the most illogical hormone ever... Only estrogen or fluctuating levels of it can cause one to cry over anything and everything and leave us wondering why we are crying... Only estrogen can cause us to be at the top of the world one minute and ready to bite every one's head off the next. How can the same hormone cause women to be nurturing one day and flat out obnoxious the next?
Controlling hormones has always been a 'fun activity' for me if you will. I consider myself a 'logical person' and thus I know that with God's help, I can fight those grumpy moods and allow my husband to live during that one week a month in which he has done nothing wrong but is always finding himself 'upset with'. Grumpiness I can fight. I've found it's simply over won by 'keeping my mouth shut'. In other words, if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all! I might be quiet but at least I'm not regretting that I've shared that I think that everyone in the whole world is stupid and everything would be better if they just saw things like I did...! (God's Word speaks to us about many different areas in this last statement...I highly encourage us women to listen to that convicting voice when hormones are pushing us in other directions! It is always worth it!)
Grumpiness is one thing, but those stupid tears are totally different! There is nothing you can do to hold back those tears caused by seeing or hearing something sweet or sad. What's worse is when you can't stop crying and you have NO IDEA WHY... My poor husband had no idea what to think when after our first year of marriage I explained to him that I was crying for no reason. He just didn't see how that made any sense! And it doesn't! How can you 'feel fine' mentally but can't stop crying? Oh boy...
It's one thing to feel this way during that 'special week' as our grandmothers used to call it. But seriously, to feel this way non-stop... it's driving me nuts! Yesterday I cried at a Verizon Wireless commercial and I'm not even pregnant yet! The mom was letting her daughter go shopping in the mall alone for the first time... I'm crying now just thinking of it. Ugh, what a mess! I don't mean just aw, how sweet, but that's just down right sad and I want to grab my teddy bear and let out a good cry. But I can't... I am supposed to be able to overcome this right? Wrong! There is nothing I can do...
So after a month of taking the birth control in prep for the IVF cycle and now being on the first set of injections for almost two weeks, I can honestly say that these hormones are not getting any better! So I'm quiet sometimes (for if I don't have anything good to say...), I cry a lot over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and I am so very tired all the time. I can wake up feeling groggy, I'm up for about 2-3 hours and then I'm ready for bed again! I'm not depressed by any means, but I can literally sleep for 9 hours at night and then take two 2-3 hour naps during the day and be ready for bed again at 9... Too bad work gets in the way of this awesome schedule!
These hormones are getting the best of me and I'm not even to the 'good stuff' yet! After my appointment early this week, I'll find out if I can begin to take the next injections in the set of many. Maybe pregnancy will be 'easier' since I'm getting a taste of all this right now. If I have triplets though, I just know my poor husband will loose his best friend (that would be me!) for about 8 months and I'll be getting to know our bed a whole lot more...
Wishing us all well in a world full of hormones!
Making My Heart Smile
What makes my heart smile?
Sunshine and soft breezes,
Flowers of all colors, shapes and sizes,
The sound of children laughing
And newborns crying
My dogs running a muck and wrestling
Giving my dogs a treat and watching their ears perk up
Snuggling my sweet husband
Morning ‘coffee time’ with my husband on the weekends
Kisses and hugs from my husband
Hearing my husband’s laughter
Being held as I cry
Dancing to great beats
Dancing with my husband
Beautiful songs about God
Seeing God in people’s lives
Scripture
Hope in our Lord
Quiet times with God
Goofy games
Sitting on the shore of lakes and watching the ripples or waves lap upon the shore line
Sound of birds chirping
Taking pictures
Holding my grandmother's hand
Reading books
Babies sleeping
Children’s chubby hands
Our Basset puppies and all their cuteness
Laughing and sharing life with family
Find those few friends in life who God sent your way
Thinking of my great husband holding our children for the first time
Thinking of our sweet children
Thinking of the joy our children will bring our mothers
and all the loving and spoiling our children will receive from them
Knowing God is right here with us
God's peace and joy
Thinking that someday our families will live much closer to us
and all the fun we will have
Mother-daughter times
Sister 'coffee times'
Brother-sister times
Organizing
Knowing others are praying for us
Seeing God guide and direct our paths
Finding a home church
Getting to start lady mentoring friendships b/w teens and us in our 20s
These are just a few of my favorite things...!
Sunshine and soft breezes,
Flowers of all colors, shapes and sizes,
The sound of children laughing
And newborns crying
My dogs running a muck and wrestling
Giving my dogs a treat and watching their ears perk up
Snuggling my sweet husband
Morning ‘coffee time’ with my husband on the weekends
Kisses and hugs from my husband
Hearing my husband’s laughter
Being held as I cry
Dancing to great beats
Dancing with my husband
Beautiful songs about God
Seeing God in people’s lives
Scripture
Hope in our Lord
Quiet times with God
Goofy games
Sitting on the shore of lakes and watching the ripples or waves lap upon the shore line
Sound of birds chirping
Taking pictures
Holding my grandmother's hand
Reading books
Babies sleeping
Children’s chubby hands
Our Basset puppies and all their cuteness
Laughing and sharing life with family
Find those few friends in life who God sent your way
Thinking of my great husband holding our children for the first time
Thinking of our sweet children
Thinking of the joy our children will bring our mothers
and all the loving and spoiling our children will receive from them
Knowing God is right here with us
God's peace and joy
Thinking that someday our families will live much closer to us
and all the fun we will have
Mother-daughter times
Sister 'coffee times'
Brother-sister times
Organizing
Knowing others are praying for us
Seeing God guide and direct our paths
Finding a home church
Getting to start lady mentoring friendships b/w teens and us in our 20s
These are just a few of my favorite things...!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Seeking God's guidance, wisdom and discernment
As we have gone through this journey of infertility, Jason and I have been tested and grown more than we ever thought we would ever have to. Each step of the process has made us think beyond what we would have ever had to otherwise. It has really made us stop and think together about what we feel is not only ‘right and wrong’ in the eyes of God, but what is it that God is calling us to do or not. We realize that we can not take one step without asking for God’s direction.
When we first received all the test results back, we had to make the decision as to whether or not we would wait to conceive ‘naturally’ which could likely take another year or years or worse, never. We understand that conception is a ‘God thing’ and it will happen only when He is ready despite any health issues or lack of. But we also understand that He has blessed us with intelligence that has allowed technology and medicine to be what it is today. Just as God could cure a person with cancer without any human intervention, it is wise to often seek medical assistance and undergo treatment. We must never assume how God will work His miracles, as we might pass up the very opportunities or deny the path He wishes us to travel.
So we had to learn all about our ‘treatment options’ and then discuss together as God filled us with peace and uneasiness about certain aspects. We know that God’s paths are marked with peace and this we are thankful for. We also had to weigh the economic aspects of each treatment. So once we knew ‘the facts’ and what we thought was our ‘best options’, we then had to weigh it all out and pray about it. We had to look at each aspect of each part of the process to determine what we felt was wise and moral in God’s eyes versus what the world would have you believe or follow. God had led us to get tested early, God had lead us to this doctor and we knew God was now leading us to IVF…
One major decision we had to make after choosing IVF was how many eggs to fertilize.
Now Jason and I have always agreed that life begins at conception; once an egg and sperm are truly fertilized. Everything else is arbitrary; when the heart beats, when an arm, leg or finger is formed, when the head is formed, when the brain does x, y and z, when it kicks for the first time, when hair develops, etc… With this said, what I did before we even began to get tested at our fertility doctor was explain to her our position. We did not want to even consider talking with her if they were not going to honor our views and work with us in the future in these areas. She shared that she too was a Christian and would only do as we asked.
So, back to our decisions… We now had to decide how many babies could we have at one time that would be healthy for both mom and babies these days. After much prayer and research, we decided on fertilizing 3 eggs only.
They ‘explained to us’ that this ‘decreases our odds’ of conception. What they typically like to do is fertilize the number of eggs retrieved during surgery, normally about 6-20 and then pick the two healthiest embryos and transfer them back to the woman’s uterus. They end up freezing the other embryos for ‘future use’. We of course would have no such thing and again, will only have them fertilize the number of eggs we are having them transfer; three.
So then at another point we were faced with the option of possibly fertilizing the number of eggs that we were willing to have as children.
We could possibly fertilize five eggs, transfer 3 right now and 2 at another time after freezing. By doing this we could end up with 5 live children or if this IVF cycle didn’t work, then we could try again shortly without having to go through each step and the costs would be half of this first time. Sounds good, right? Nope; not what we felt God was leading us to do or was right for us in His sight. Even if we were willing to have 5 children, what if something happened to me or Jason between now and the time our other 2 babies were transferred back into my uterus? What then? Would we just have our children frozen and possibly discarded in the future if we were no longer here? No way. We don’t even like the idea of freezing, more or less leaving their fate so open like that. We rather trust in God and take only one step at a time. If it costs us more in the end, we know He will provide. Ultimately He has a plan and His ways are perfect. So, no freezing of embryos, eggs, sperm and only fertilizing 3!
We are not getting any genetic diagnosis performed. We are not selecting any qualities or checking for health issues. God has a plan for each life He conceives, and we can’t wait to be parents of the sweet precious lives He entrusts us with. We pray our babies are healthy, but trust in God completely. He loves us and our children more than our minds can fathom.
Did you know that just because a sperm meets an egg and ‘gets inside’, does not mean that fertilization occurs. You can have a sperm right in the middle of an egg and yup, nothing happens. Wow, that just proves how much God is a part of conception and that life really begins only once fertilization happens. Even if a doctor inserts a sperm into an egg during IVF, does not mean that fertilization occurs. So there is a chance that they could come back the next day and zero out of the three eggs could not be fertilized.
There have many other areas to consider and pray about along the way. We thank God for giving this opportunity to grow and learn to further trust in Him and rely on His guidance. It has not been easy, but I know He has a purpose. I am excited to see what that is! For now… IVF, here we come.
When we first received all the test results back, we had to make the decision as to whether or not we would wait to conceive ‘naturally’ which could likely take another year or years or worse, never. We understand that conception is a ‘God thing’ and it will happen only when He is ready despite any health issues or lack of. But we also understand that He has blessed us with intelligence that has allowed technology and medicine to be what it is today. Just as God could cure a person with cancer without any human intervention, it is wise to often seek medical assistance and undergo treatment. We must never assume how God will work His miracles, as we might pass up the very opportunities or deny the path He wishes us to travel.
So we had to learn all about our ‘treatment options’ and then discuss together as God filled us with peace and uneasiness about certain aspects. We know that God’s paths are marked with peace and this we are thankful for. We also had to weigh the economic aspects of each treatment. So once we knew ‘the facts’ and what we thought was our ‘best options’, we then had to weigh it all out and pray about it. We had to look at each aspect of each part of the process to determine what we felt was wise and moral in God’s eyes versus what the world would have you believe or follow. God had led us to get tested early, God had lead us to this doctor and we knew God was now leading us to IVF…
One major decision we had to make after choosing IVF was how many eggs to fertilize.
Now Jason and I have always agreed that life begins at conception; once an egg and sperm are truly fertilized. Everything else is arbitrary; when the heart beats, when an arm, leg or finger is formed, when the head is formed, when the brain does x, y and z, when it kicks for the first time, when hair develops, etc… With this said, what I did before we even began to get tested at our fertility doctor was explain to her our position. We did not want to even consider talking with her if they were not going to honor our views and work with us in the future in these areas. She shared that she too was a Christian and would only do as we asked.
So, back to our decisions… We now had to decide how many babies could we have at one time that would be healthy for both mom and babies these days. After much prayer and research, we decided on fertilizing 3 eggs only.
They ‘explained to us’ that this ‘decreases our odds’ of conception. What they typically like to do is fertilize the number of eggs retrieved during surgery, normally about 6-20 and then pick the two healthiest embryos and transfer them back to the woman’s uterus. They end up freezing the other embryos for ‘future use’. We of course would have no such thing and again, will only have them fertilize the number of eggs we are having them transfer; three.
So then at another point we were faced with the option of possibly fertilizing the number of eggs that we were willing to have as children.
We could possibly fertilize five eggs, transfer 3 right now and 2 at another time after freezing. By doing this we could end up with 5 live children or if this IVF cycle didn’t work, then we could try again shortly without having to go through each step and the costs would be half of this first time. Sounds good, right? Nope; not what we felt God was leading us to do or was right for us in His sight. Even if we were willing to have 5 children, what if something happened to me or Jason between now and the time our other 2 babies were transferred back into my uterus? What then? Would we just have our children frozen and possibly discarded in the future if we were no longer here? No way. We don’t even like the idea of freezing, more or less leaving their fate so open like that. We rather trust in God and take only one step at a time. If it costs us more in the end, we know He will provide. Ultimately He has a plan and His ways are perfect. So, no freezing of embryos, eggs, sperm and only fertilizing 3!
We are not getting any genetic diagnosis performed. We are not selecting any qualities or checking for health issues. God has a plan for each life He conceives, and we can’t wait to be parents of the sweet precious lives He entrusts us with. We pray our babies are healthy, but trust in God completely. He loves us and our children more than our minds can fathom.
Did you know that just because a sperm meets an egg and ‘gets inside’, does not mean that fertilization occurs. You can have a sperm right in the middle of an egg and yup, nothing happens. Wow, that just proves how much God is a part of conception and that life really begins only once fertilization happens. Even if a doctor inserts a sperm into an egg during IVF, does not mean that fertilization occurs. So there is a chance that they could come back the next day and zero out of the three eggs could not be fertilized.
There have many other areas to consider and pray about along the way. We thank God for giving this opportunity to grow and learn to further trust in Him and rely on His guidance. It has not been easy, but I know He has a purpose. I am excited to see what that is! For now… IVF, here we come.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Lent Reflections - by Joan Blandin Howard
I wanted to share what a friend of mine emailed me a couple of weeks back:
Enjoy!!
Daily Reflectionof Creighton University's Online Ministries
February 17th, 2010
by Joan Blandin Howard
Christian Spirituality Program
Ash Wednesday
Joel 2:12-182
Corinthians 5:20-6:2
Psalm 51:3-4, 5-6ab, 12-13, 14 and 17
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18
As I write, it is still the dead of winter. We are fortressed by multiple layers of snow. This morning there is a fragile covering of hoarfrost on every tree twig, limb and branch. A soundless depth of grayness insulates my world. The monotone gray background highlights the variety of gray shades that articulate all that is visible from my window. There is a breathless stillness about it, interrupted only by the swift flight of the gray-black junco as she lands on the feeder. I am unhinged, gently free-falling into the artistry, wonder and Mystery of it all.
Today, Ash Wednesday, the Church reminds us that we are entering the season of Lent. Yet many are savoring the graces of Advent and Christmas. We are coming out of Ordinary Time. But there is nothing ordinary about this time in the life of our planet, our country, our Church; even my own life is not ordinary.
No end, no end to the journeyno end, no end neverhow can the heart in loveever stop opening…(Rumi)
Lent is not a unique season, different from Advent or Christmas. It is part of the journey, the continuum, the falling in love, staying in love, growing in love with Jesus. Lent is an invitation to be open, to be transformed, to be loved. To be open to Love’s love, to Love’s invitation, to Love’s challenge and it is not always easy. Lent is a get-away time. A time to spend together, the Lover and the beloved. It is a time to relax into the relationship, to enjoy, and to refresh and to grow within our unique and intimate bond. Lent is an invitation to trust. Lent is an opportunity to allow Mystery to reveal truths about who I am and who I am called to be.
I am invited to pray, fast, abstain and give alms. But these are not ends in themselves. They are suggestions regarding ways to make room for, to open up to, and to be available to Mystery. To pray – just another way of saying spending time, paying attention, being available to my Lover. Sincere intimate conversation, laughter, tears and deep silent present being-with is prayer. To abstain from that which distracts me from Love is to make room for Love. My Lover brings humor, peace, joy, comfort as well as challenge. The graces of Advent and Christmas support whatever the gift of Lent. Often change and/or reconciliation is the gift of Lent. Movement from unfreedom to freedom may occur within the intimacy of the relationship. Jesus’ love changes me. Within Mystery the invitation to reconciliation is gently and mercifully offered. The inner shift from unfreedom to freedom can be this year’s Lenten gift. Lent is about inner healing, inner growth. My Lenten journey will resemble no other, because it is unique to my relationship with Jesus. Lent is not a season of doing something, but of experiencing something. Lent is the experience of something deep, exciting, challenging, sincere, profound and me changing. Something in my face, or something subtle and almost overlooked. The graces of Lent as with Advent and Christmas flows and grows within and through me forever, it is not seasonal.
On the journey from the stable under the stars to the cross under the broiling sun to the glorious resurrection morning, may I come to a heartfelt appreciation that yes, evil does exist and I compassionately witness the pain and suffering, possibly live it myself. May I come to a heartfelt knowing that God never abandons me or others and is ever present – in the waiting, in the pain, in the rescue. And that I may live in unending gratitude for the gratuitous gift of God’s love ever at hand.
Blessings on our Lenten journeys.
Faculty, Christian Spirituality Program
More about me (Joan Blandin Howard):
In 1995, my husband and I and 3 of our 5 children "retired" to Omaha and Creighton University after 25 years in the dental corps of the USAF. Our family life had been and continues to be rich in travel and exploration - just keeping up with our adventurous kids! My favorite times are when we gather together - in laughter, joy or sorrow. My prize possession is our very large family dining table which accomodates all of us and then some! I am a 2001 graduate of Creighton's Christian Spirituality Program with a certificate in Spiritual Direction.
Writing these reflections:
Initially I thought I was writing for myself. I use the readings as a source of personal prayer. I thoroughly enjoy the time I spend in prayer. The writing seems to be a natural end product. The wonderful e-mail notes I receive tell me that I am not writing just for me and they reconfirm my faith in the presence of the Lord, who speaks all languages, permeates untold experiences, and surfaces in the most ordinary of daily delights and disturbing distractions. That the Lord would speak through me is a gift I had not anticipated. I thank you, the reader and fellow pilgrim, for joining us on our journey. God bless us.
e-mail:jnjhowardr@cox.net
Enjoy!!
Daily Reflectionof Creighton University's Online Ministries
February 17th, 2010
by Joan Blandin Howard
Christian Spirituality Program
Ash Wednesday
Joel 2:12-182
Corinthians 5:20-6:2
Psalm 51:3-4, 5-6ab, 12-13, 14 and 17
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-18
As I write, it is still the dead of winter. We are fortressed by multiple layers of snow. This morning there is a fragile covering of hoarfrost on every tree twig, limb and branch. A soundless depth of grayness insulates my world. The monotone gray background highlights the variety of gray shades that articulate all that is visible from my window. There is a breathless stillness about it, interrupted only by the swift flight of the gray-black junco as she lands on the feeder. I am unhinged, gently free-falling into the artistry, wonder and Mystery of it all.
Today, Ash Wednesday, the Church reminds us that we are entering the season of Lent. Yet many are savoring the graces of Advent and Christmas. We are coming out of Ordinary Time. But there is nothing ordinary about this time in the life of our planet, our country, our Church; even my own life is not ordinary.
No end, no end to the journeyno end, no end neverhow can the heart in loveever stop opening…(Rumi)
Lent is not a unique season, different from Advent or Christmas. It is part of the journey, the continuum, the falling in love, staying in love, growing in love with Jesus. Lent is an invitation to be open, to be transformed, to be loved. To be open to Love’s love, to Love’s invitation, to Love’s challenge and it is not always easy. Lent is a get-away time. A time to spend together, the Lover and the beloved. It is a time to relax into the relationship, to enjoy, and to refresh and to grow within our unique and intimate bond. Lent is an invitation to trust. Lent is an opportunity to allow Mystery to reveal truths about who I am and who I am called to be.
I am invited to pray, fast, abstain and give alms. But these are not ends in themselves. They are suggestions regarding ways to make room for, to open up to, and to be available to Mystery. To pray – just another way of saying spending time, paying attention, being available to my Lover. Sincere intimate conversation, laughter, tears and deep silent present being-with is prayer. To abstain from that which distracts me from Love is to make room for Love. My Lover brings humor, peace, joy, comfort as well as challenge. The graces of Advent and Christmas support whatever the gift of Lent. Often change and/or reconciliation is the gift of Lent. Movement from unfreedom to freedom may occur within the intimacy of the relationship. Jesus’ love changes me. Within Mystery the invitation to reconciliation is gently and mercifully offered. The inner shift from unfreedom to freedom can be this year’s Lenten gift. Lent is about inner healing, inner growth. My Lenten journey will resemble no other, because it is unique to my relationship with Jesus. Lent is not a season of doing something, but of experiencing something. Lent is the experience of something deep, exciting, challenging, sincere, profound and me changing. Something in my face, or something subtle and almost overlooked. The graces of Lent as with Advent and Christmas flows and grows within and through me forever, it is not seasonal.
On the journey from the stable under the stars to the cross under the broiling sun to the glorious resurrection morning, may I come to a heartfelt appreciation that yes, evil does exist and I compassionately witness the pain and suffering, possibly live it myself. May I come to a heartfelt knowing that God never abandons me or others and is ever present – in the waiting, in the pain, in the rescue. And that I may live in unending gratitude for the gratuitous gift of God’s love ever at hand.
Blessings on our Lenten journeys.
Faculty, Christian Spirituality Program
More about me (Joan Blandin Howard):
In 1995, my husband and I and 3 of our 5 children "retired" to Omaha and Creighton University after 25 years in the dental corps of the USAF. Our family life had been and continues to be rich in travel and exploration - just keeping up with our adventurous kids! My favorite times are when we gather together - in laughter, joy or sorrow. My prize possession is our very large family dining table which accomodates all of us and then some! I am a 2001 graduate of Creighton's Christian Spirituality Program with a certificate in Spiritual Direction.
Writing these reflections:
Initially I thought I was writing for myself. I use the readings as a source of personal prayer. I thoroughly enjoy the time I spend in prayer. The writing seems to be a natural end product. The wonderful e-mail notes I receive tell me that I am not writing just for me and they reconfirm my faith in the presence of the Lord, who speaks all languages, permeates untold experiences, and surfaces in the most ordinary of daily delights and disturbing distractions. That the Lord would speak through me is a gift I had not anticipated. I thank you, the reader and fellow pilgrim, for joining us on our journey. God bless us.
e-mail:jnjhowardr@cox.net
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hannah's Hope
Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss
http://www.amazon.com/Hannahs-Hope-Infertility-Miscarriage-Adoption/dp/1576836541/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267804395&sr=8-1#noop
From the Back Cover
Hannah's heart beat with a mother's love long before she was blessed with a child. Through the years of waiting and longing, her gentle heart was nearly crushed under the weight of grief. You can meet Hannah in the pages of 1 Samuel, chapters 1 and 2. The Bible says she was "barren," and we know she suffered heartache, anguish, and grief because of her empty arms. Perhaps you do too. Hannah's Hope is for all who long for a child yet to be conceived, grieve for a baby too soon passed from the womb, or have lived through the no-man's-land of failed adoption. It is intended as a guide to assist you in making wise decisions as you struggle through your grief. And by the end of the journey, God may surprise you by the ways He uses to answer your heart's cry. Compassionately written by a woman who knows well these painful struggles, Hannah's Hope will direct you to the Source of strength, whose name is "the God of all comfort."
I read this book back in January and feel that God lead me to it when He did for a reason. It was wonderful and honestly truly helped me as I faced the fact that Jason and I were really facing infertility issues and not just ‘having to give it more time’… This book is wonderful for anyone going through infertility, miscarriages or failed adoptions or for anyone who knows someone who is or will someday. So that basically means I think everyone should read it. It really gives you insight to what people face and the emotional struggles associated with these types of journeys. It allows those not going through one of these journeys insight into how hurtful words or events can be even if good is meant from them.
This book is a great godly perspective you don’t find too many places. It is vital to see God in every aspect of your life; even the hard ones like infertility, loss and death. I know God has a purpose throughout all of this and I want glory to be given to Him no matter what path He leads us down.
I spent a lot of time facing our infertility and talking through it with Jason in the very beginning. While painful, this has really helped me see clearer and understand all sides. No one prepares to have to go through something like this, so when you are facing it, it is wise I think to prepare yourself for what you will go through. Now when people say very insensitive statements or painful events or topics come up, I can look on them with grace and give my feelings to God to heal. I know few mean harm by what they say or do, but it is wise to pay attention to what others might be going through before you speak.
One thing I have learned is never ask someone if they are married or have children. Often you are making them discuss the fact that they do not have something their heart longs for. Instead say something like; ‘tell me about yourself’… I’ve had people ask if I have kids and then say, ‘well, I hope you have them’ and walk off. I’ve had people tell me to ‘just relax’… Let me tell you… no relaxation or vacations can cure infertility… seriously, learn the science please… I’ve had people tell me, ‘you’re still young, don’t worry about it.’ Seriously, it doesn’t matter if you are 18 or 40, if you’ve been trying for 1 month or 20 years… the pain is just as real and never goes away. The list goes on and on.
My recommendation is for us to try to realize where others are coming from in their life before we begin to poke and prod into their lives and potentially cause some pain. My prayer is that we seek God in all aspects of our life and lean not on our own understandings. I pray we all learn to seek God's guidance, listen for Him, follow Him, trust in Him, praise Him and that He be glorified!
My Greatest Gift
The past couple of weeks have been hard on me emotionally. One medicine I am on is making my hormones go all over the place which is not normal for me. There will be days in which I cry so very easily, normally from happiness or awe of God and His creation and not from sadness though. Some days I’m battling ‘the mood’ in which I feel entirely grumpy at everything… Logically I know all is well and I’m fine, but my body is trying to tell me differently. Ugh, not something I enjoy having to deal with, but deal with it I must!
I say this all because the past year and well, the past month along in itself has been extremely difficult in one particular area. As I’ve mentioned in my past post, Jason and I have been entrusted with infertility. It seems as though everyone around us however has nothing of the sorts. We have seen what seems like almost all of our friends becoming pregnant for the first or second time… The past month we have known many to give birth to their sweet babies or announce that later this year a little one will be born to them. My thoughts have honestly been so full of joy to many of these wonderful people! I am so excited for a few of them you would think it was us who were expecting! I know these beautiful babies will have the best homes ever!
However… there are some conception announcements that we can not feel this excitement towards. We see the type of homes they will be born into and my heart sinks. Why God would you allow these babies to be born into an unloving and/or unhealthy home and still deny us children right now? I do not ask this in judgment of others or God, but as we look around the world, we all often ask questions like these to some degree. I know His plans are perfect and I trust Him completely, but that doesn’t always take away the questions, frustrations, pain and yes, even correctly channeled anger.
I spent a day this week battling this question. I truly feel God is going to bless us with children soon, but why still do we have to go through all of this when others just have to think about pregnancies and taadaa… there is a new life on the way? I know God has a plan for us and a reason for all of this, I just don’t know what it is yet.
So as I struggled and asked God a million questions the other day, I knew the only way to battle this was by flooding myself with Scripture! There is no way I could pick myself up; I had to focus on God and His truths! So that is just what I did. It took a very long time, but by the time I got home I was feeling better. (Getting to be with my sweet Jason was a large factor of this too I know!) At the bottom of this post are some of the Scripture versus I’ve been focusing on this week!
So I woke up the next morning and spent more quiet time with God; reading through Scripture and again, asking Him the same old questions from the day before and the days past. Despite my questions, I had and have such an incredible peace about everything. I shared with God that I know He has a plan and that I trust Him completely, but that I just wish I knew what it was. I don’t know or even think that it would necessarily make things easier, but still, I think it would be nice to know while we’re going through this. So I left the house that morning with one question in mind, “Why God, are you blessing some of these couples with babies when you know the type of home those children will be raised in? Why are you not instead giving us those precious souls?” Again, these questions are marked with peace and trust, not anger or disbelief. As I was driving to work, I felt God whisper the sweetest answer…!
“My dear child, I am blessing them with a child, but to you I have given such a greater blessing. I am blessing you with Myself first!”
Oh… what I gift I have been given during this time. God is 100% right (as always!)! While He has allowed for us to have to wait, He has revealed more and more of Himself to me along the way. I know more of God and have drawn closer to Him during this time. I am not the same person I was a year or two ago. While I know He will bless us with children, He wanted to give me the greatest gift of all FIRST… HIMSELF!!
Oh thank you LORD for giving me the ultimate gift which is greater than anything my mind can fathom. I know You grieve with us, but I know your perfect will far outweighs the struggle and pain we are going through now. Ultimately this path you have chosen for us will bring you more glory and us closer to You. Thank you my dear Creator, Father and Friend!
~Shanna~
Psalm 36: 5-12
Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the great mountains; Your judgments are a great deep; O Lord, You preserve man and beast. How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light. Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You, And Your righteousness to the upright in heart. Let not the foot of pride come against me, And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away. There the workers of iniquity have fallen; They have been cast down and are not able to rise.
Psalm 34
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, And saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, And delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Who is the man who desires life, And loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil, And your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. He guards all his bones; Not one of them is broken.>
I say this all because the past year and well, the past month along in itself has been extremely difficult in one particular area. As I’ve mentioned in my past post, Jason and I have been entrusted with infertility. It seems as though everyone around us however has nothing of the sorts. We have seen what seems like almost all of our friends becoming pregnant for the first or second time… The past month we have known many to give birth to their sweet babies or announce that later this year a little one will be born to them. My thoughts have honestly been so full of joy to many of these wonderful people! I am so excited for a few of them you would think it was us who were expecting! I know these beautiful babies will have the best homes ever!
However… there are some conception announcements that we can not feel this excitement towards. We see the type of homes they will be born into and my heart sinks. Why God would you allow these babies to be born into an unloving and/or unhealthy home and still deny us children right now? I do not ask this in judgment of others or God, but as we look around the world, we all often ask questions like these to some degree. I know His plans are perfect and I trust Him completely, but that doesn’t always take away the questions, frustrations, pain and yes, even correctly channeled anger.
I spent a day this week battling this question. I truly feel God is going to bless us with children soon, but why still do we have to go through all of this when others just have to think about pregnancies and taadaa… there is a new life on the way? I know God has a plan for us and a reason for all of this, I just don’t know what it is yet.
So as I struggled and asked God a million questions the other day, I knew the only way to battle this was by flooding myself with Scripture! There is no way I could pick myself up; I had to focus on God and His truths! So that is just what I did. It took a very long time, but by the time I got home I was feeling better. (Getting to be with my sweet Jason was a large factor of this too I know!) At the bottom of this post are some of the Scripture versus I’ve been focusing on this week!
So I woke up the next morning and spent more quiet time with God; reading through Scripture and again, asking Him the same old questions from the day before and the days past. Despite my questions, I had and have such an incredible peace about everything. I shared with God that I know He has a plan and that I trust Him completely, but that I just wish I knew what it was. I don’t know or even think that it would necessarily make things easier, but still, I think it would be nice to know while we’re going through this. So I left the house that morning with one question in mind, “Why God, are you blessing some of these couples with babies when you know the type of home those children will be raised in? Why are you not instead giving us those precious souls?” Again, these questions are marked with peace and trust, not anger or disbelief. As I was driving to work, I felt God whisper the sweetest answer…!
“My dear child, I am blessing them with a child, but to you I have given such a greater blessing. I am blessing you with Myself first!”
Oh… what I gift I have been given during this time. God is 100% right (as always!)! While He has allowed for us to have to wait, He has revealed more and more of Himself to me along the way. I know more of God and have drawn closer to Him during this time. I am not the same person I was a year or two ago. While I know He will bless us with children, He wanted to give me the greatest gift of all FIRST… HIMSELF!!
Oh thank you LORD for giving me the ultimate gift which is greater than anything my mind can fathom. I know You grieve with us, but I know your perfect will far outweighs the struggle and pain we are going through now. Ultimately this path you have chosen for us will bring you more glory and us closer to You. Thank you my dear Creator, Father and Friend!
~Shanna~
Psalm 36: 5-12
Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the great mountains; Your judgments are a great deep; O Lord, You preserve man and beast. How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light. Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You, And Your righteousness to the upright in heart. Let not the foot of pride come against me, And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away. There the workers of iniquity have fallen; They have been cast down and are not able to rise.
Psalm 34
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, And saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, And delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Who is the man who desires life, And loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil, And your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. He guards all his bones; Not one of them is broken.>
Psalm 62
To the Chief Musician. To Jeduthun. A Psalm of David. Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. How long will you attack a man? You shall be slain, all of you, Like a leaning wall and a tottering fence. They only consult to cast him down from his high position; They delight in lies; They bless with their mouth, But they curse inwardly. Selah My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah Surely men of low degree are a vapor, Men of high degree are a lie; If they are weighed on the scales, They are altogether lighter than vapor. Do not trust in oppression, Nor vainly hope in robbery; If riches increase, Do not set your heart on them. God has spoken once, Twice I have heard this: That power belongs to God. Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy; For You render to each one according to his work.
Fertility 101 and Infertility
I know unless you are a biochemistry and genetics major like I am or you are trying to conceive, the chances that you have researched fertility and infertility is slim. I could spend forever writing about this, but for ease on my emotions and mind, I decided to share a site that might help. There are so many sites out there; some good and some lacking in correct information, some God focused and some unethical. Just as Jason and I did, I highly encourage you to ask God to be with you as you read through everything and ask His guidance and help to understand how He views everything.
Here is some information to help shed a little light on what Jason and I have been going through for a while now.
I highly recommed going to this site (although it is not as detailed and thus not 100% correct in every area, there is a lot of information about fertility, infertility and treatment options.
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&TabID={0}
Go to Fertility 101 first and then on to the below links or other areas about fertilization and infertility and treatments.
The normal process of fertilization
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&P=90530cfc-c2bb-45c8-9591-94526552b7da&ID=ba336408-8370-44d1-9b7e-0528243b0b50
Fertility Problems
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&P=HW5PCHealthAndDiseaseI&ID=HW5hw203714
IVF
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&ID=HW5hw227379&Title=In-vitro-fertilization-for-infertility
Intracytoplasmic sperm injection
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&ID=HW5tn8214&Title=Intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-for-infertility
Assisted Hatching
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&ID=4620375c-2cd3-4334-9084-322528d1f8d8&Title=Assisted-Hatching
There are other great links on this site about the medications used, support, etc.
Thanks for sharing! I'll post more about our entrusted journey at a later date.
Here is some information to help shed a little light on what Jason and I have been going through for a while now.
I highly recommed going to this site (although it is not as detailed and thus not 100% correct in every area, there is a lot of information about fertility, infertility and treatment options.
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&TabID={0}
Go to Fertility 101 first and then on to the below links or other areas about fertilization and infertility and treatments.
The normal process of fertilization
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&P=90530cfc-c2bb-45c8-9591-94526552b7da&ID=ba336408-8370-44d1-9b7e-0528243b0b50
Fertility Problems
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&P=HW5PCHealthAndDiseaseI&ID=HW5hw203714
IVF
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&ID=HW5hw227379&Title=In-vitro-fertilization-for-infertility
Intracytoplasmic sperm injection
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&ID=HW5tn8214&Title=Intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-for-infertility
Assisted Hatching
http://www.fertilitybydesign.com/PatientPortal/MyPractice.aspx?UAID={D69B3EA2-D95A-419D-BD78-E1EED33375B8}&ID=4620375c-2cd3-4334-9084-322528d1f8d8&Title=Assisted-Hatching
There are other great links on this site about the medications used, support, etc.
Thanks for sharing! I'll post more about our entrusted journey at a later date.
Monday, March 1, 2010
St. John's Women's Retreat 2010
Friday afternoon, February 26th, I picked up my girl friends and we headed to Brenham for a weekend of worship, learning and friendships at the St. John's Women's Retreat.
Looking back on our weekend, I'd sum it up as:
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Looking back on our weekend, I'd sum it up as:
- full of LAUGHTER
- new FRIENDSHIPS being developed and existing ones strengthened
- wonderful SHARING of God's presences in each of our lives
- better UNDERSTANDING and FOCUS on God's plans for each of us and as a whole
I was greatly blessed with my time I was able to spend with God alone as well as the women around me. I will treasure this time and what God planted in me this weekend. I am looking forward to seeing the fruits of the seeds that were planted and watered this weekend! Our theme was the Master Weaver; Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord, plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." We focused on who the Master Weaver is, how the tapestry was destroyed in the Garden and how this tapestry was saved on Mount Calvary! Beautiful focus was placed on God's work throughout the history of the Bible; unveiling His plan and perfect love story. We focused later on Joseph's story in Genesis 37 - 50.
Many songs were sung during the weekend. The chorus from the song, The Weaver by Men of Praise was:
"Not 'til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the tapestry and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the weaver's skillful hand
As the thread of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."
I just loved that!
We then focused our attention on discerning the pattern of the Master Weaver. We spent this time in quiet, alone with God. What a gift that we were able to do this! I got to spend my time right on the water's edge of one of their lakes. It was slightly breezy and clear skies. It was so perfect as the waters slowly rushed up on to the shore, one row after another... in times like this I feel as if I'm in the middle of the water, just sitting and floating on top! Across the distance on the other side of the shore were 3 large wooden crosses up on a hill. Such beauty!
Our first direction was to focus on Jeremiah 29:11 and then Hebrews 11:1, and finally John 10:10. A question to ask ourselves; Is your life abundant? Is it life "to the full"? "Think about those things that are getting in the way of your relationship with the Master Weaver." Another passage was Philippians 1: 3-6, "...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Oh how refreshing!
We were each given a Scripture passage for us to use as part of our directed reflections as well. Mine was, "However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him' - but God has revealed it to us by His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God." ~1 Corinthians 2: 9-10~
Later on on Saturday, we spent time reflecting on God's involvement in our lives and shared how God has been with us throughout. I just love to hear the stories of other's lives and see God working in and through each of them. It was so refreshing and amazing! How great to know that God is not only weaving the events in our lives, but each of our lives together as well! In the end, each tapestry will be a beautiful and perfect creation by our Creator! Thanks be to God!
In between this, we had meals and many times to 'mix-up' groups and get to know others. So much laughter was going on; how great! Friday night we had a fruit, wine and cheese social. Saturday night we had a 'duck tape fashion show!' Each team had to design 'accessories' using colored duck tape and then model it in front of everyone and provide a 'marketing spill'! Oh my, you should have seen the talent and humor in that room that night; what a great gift. I think all of our stomachs were hurting that night from laughing so much! Games were played each night and talking never ceased so it seemed except for our sharing times with God alone.
I was able to room with Natalie, Stephanie and Amy. It was fun having us 'young ladies' in the same room! I am so very thankful for my new friendships! I am thankful I had this opportunity to visit and get to know many of the women on the retreat. I can't wait to get to know them more! I am thankful for the wonderful weather we were blessed with as well. Our speaker Patti Mitschke did a fabulous job and was such a delight! Her beautiful humor really added to this retreat's atmosphere!
I leave you with a poem used at the retreat:
"Our lives are but fine weavings that
God and we prepare,
Each life becomes a fabric planned
And fashioned in His care.
We may not always see just how
the weavings intertwine,
but we must trust the Master's
hand and follow His design,
For He can view the pattern
upon the upper side,
While we must look from underneath
and trust in Him to guide...
Sometimes a strand of sorrow
is added to His plan,
And though it's difficult for us,
we still must understand
That it's He who fills the shuttle,
it's He who knows what's best,
So we must weave in patience and
leave to Him the rest...
Not till the loom is silent
and the shuttle cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
and explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needed
in the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned."
Here is one of the lakes present on the property. It was great getting to sit along the shore and focus on the 3 crosses on the other side. Peaceful!.JPG)
The next few pics are of our group doing some ice-breakers inbetween the sessions.
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