Reflections

I spent some time Sunday afternoon going through my old journals and enjoying seeing where God has taken me from and to. I really enjoyed focusing my reflections in the areas concerning our journey around parenthood and finding a home church. Back in May of 2008 I felt God reminding me that He has plans for me while teaching me to be content. In July my focus was moved to ‘perspective’ and ‘change’ then on into ‘trust’ and ‘listening’. In late July I wrote, “In reference to the longing of my heart; my passion: How sweet are our (mine and Jason’s) conversations surrounding these…How precious is this time God has given us as a couple; a time to bond, to share in our excitements and a time when we are ready and yet know it’s not quite time. I will continue to pray for guidance…”

That week my dear friend spoke to me about a story referencing a tree without water. Do I give up and seek my own means, ways and judgments and then wither, or do I stretch, growing my roots and drinking of the water? “Lord, let me stretch! Let me grow deeper towards You, to Your beautiful pool of water. I will seek You continually with this desire. Lord let me grow. Let me hear you when You call and let me grow when you want me to stretch to the waters! I love you LORD, my heart and life be for You and Your will!” I said.

I learned with time that I did not want my desires to be diluted while I was in a time of wait, but rather that they grow stronger still and that they be moved and wrapped around His will and guidance alone. ‘May I use this desire to prepare for Your will…This is the time You have blessed me with to prepare.’

I was in a stage of wait for the longest of time. Waiting for many things; friendships, service, finding the home church God wanted us at, children, contentment with work, etc… “I’m in a stage of wait; a stage where my purpose is to follow and be molded,” I wrote.

In September 2008, God was teaching me:
To focus on Him alone; my joy is from Him alone.
I won’t be who He wants me to be and used for reasons He wishes until I learn to always want His will at any cost.

In December 2008, “God has assured me that He has plans for me and He is in control. Peace fills me as I am told to wait and endure this waiting time. He will provide and all will fall in place. The LORD will not let my desire be in vain. He will use me, He will strengthen me. I will wait and be of good cheer for God is with me and has plans for me…”

Prayer in January 2009, “You have made known to me the path of life, You will fill me with joy in Your presence with eternal pleasures at You right hand. I have many desires within me. I understand that my longings are not always bad, but in my impatience, Lord, help me not to attempt to meet those longings in wrong ways. Help me to be patient and hear You. You always have what is best for me in mind. It is Your timing that is important. Thank You that the day is coming when the deepest thirst and longings of my soul will be fully satisfied in Your presence.”

In February 2009, “I often wonder what God’s plans are. If we will get pregnant quickly, who are children will be, etc… How exciting!” At this point we received clear signs that the church we were attending for a year was no longer the place God wanted us. We began our search for a new church home. It wouldn’t be until the end of June that we attended St. John for the first time. It was then that we knew we had come to the place God wanted us to serve!!

As I read through my journal, I also saw the beautiful steps God lead me to in areas of service He was preparing for me to do. I saw my attention and passions go from the broad areas of families, to children, to the youth, to young ladies in about a 2 year span. Now I am so excited to be focusing on developing friendships with the young ladies at St. John as we mentor each other through these stages of life!

The rest of 2009 was spent in cycling anticipation of pregnancy and crying out to the Lord in disappointment. We learned of ‘road blocks’ and realized God might have other plans for our ‘journey’. My heart is saddened as I reflect on my words from last year and yet I rejoice as I read through my thoughts and prayers. I leave you with my prayer I’ve prayed for a year which is forever in my heart.

“Before I formed you in the womb… I knew you, says Jeremiah 1:5. Matthew 26:39 says, ‘Not as I will, but as You will.’ I want whatever Your will may be. We accept you plans and we are asking You to help us walk in obedience according to Your will. We want to walk in Your ways, not ours. A man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord shall direct his steps. Prepare us for the days that lie ahead and go before us. All our days are numbered and know by You. We will seek You at all times, Father. You alone know the future our children would have. I want to raise them in fear of the Lord, that they may serve You all the days of their life. I ask that You grant me peace in this time while I quietly wait for You… I ask for Your will to be done and my heart trust in You.” ~taken from “Expectant Prayers for Expectant Mothers~