Our Beautiful December Surprise

It was between 2 and 3 am on Tuesday December 13^th. I was lying in bed in what I can only describe as a state of half awake and half asleep. It was dark in my dream, but then I heard and felt it; a voice and someone’s presence. ‘I’m here Mama.’ Was all I heard. I knew it was my child in my womb and for many moments I lay there and embraced my child; not a physical embrace, but more of a hearts embrace if you will. Moments later I awoke. ‘Hmmm… That’s odd,’ is what I thought as I awoke. Sure it was a dream, a beautiful dream at that, but it was more than that. After ignoring all the signs from God last month that I was pregnant before I miscarried, I told myself I would no longer dismiss things as my ‘crazy mind’, but instead listen to God, even if I hear Him wrong. So in the middle of the night I told myself I’d take a pregnancy test in the morning, even though I knew it would likely be negative…

Morning came and I proceeded with our normal routine of snuggles, diaper changes, milk time, playtime and then breakfast. Once the boys were settled in their highchairs eating pancakes, I decided I’d take a test. The plan was to take it, let it ‘set’ as the boys ate and then go back to check it after breakfast, because I knew I’d see just one line. I took the test and before I could even have time to set the test down, two lines started appearing!! Yes, two lines! I was half in shock, but more in awe. My dream was real! Just weeks after miscarrying last month (November), God has blessed us with another child!

I took another test on Wednesday the 14^th, my 28^th birthday, and it came back positive again; just as fast as the first one! Jason and I are so excited. After all that we’ve been through trying to conceive, God has blessed us with another child. Gavin and Wyatt are going to be big brothers!! The next week I called my doctor to schedule an appointment for what I thought would be late January. They wanted to test my hcg levels with a blood test. Seeing that it was 4100 already, they called me and asked if I wanted to come in for an ultrasound that day (Wednesday Dec 21^st)! Jason and both got to see the gestational sac that afternoon (it was too early along to see our baby).

I called my mom on Friday to let her know the great news! I asked her what she was doing mid-late August next year and if she wanted to meet her 3^rd grandchild?! Saturday we told Jason’s mom when she came over to visit. I had a little stocking hanging on the chimney next to all of our other ones, with the pregnancy tests sticking out. I told my dad on Christmas day as a surprise!

I’ve been feeling well these past several weeks. I have a lot more nausea than I did with the boys, but nothing sever. It was an all day affair in the beginning and this past week it's been more of a 'from 3 pm on' thing. I’ll be doing great with energy, but then boom, it hits me and I just feel wiped out. I have a lot more energy with this pregnancy than I did the first trimester with the boys though. The only possible 'craving' so far is buffalo wings with the spicy tabasco sauce. Yum, yum, yum! I've eaten them twice this week already. I’m thankful that I started taking prenatal vitamins in November with my previous pregnancy. I’m also taking the Juice Plus regularly. I’ve also made sure that I eat when the boys eat! This ensures that I get all the nutrition I need without ‘forgetting’ to eat or just grabbing something fast.

I’ve noticed that I’ve started to ‘show’ a lot sooner than with the boys, even though we are just having one. I know it’s just bloating, but it’s for sure pregnancy related. I haven’t gained anything yet, but I have a little belly now. I have been assuming, and the doctor confirmed, it’s because I just had Gavin and Wyatt earlier this year and my skin and uterus is still ‘stretched’ which allows room for the extra bloating. I’m for sure not worried about it though, because I have seen what my body did during and after pregnancy with my twin boys.

Jason and I went in for another ultrasound appointment Thursday, January 5^th and we were able to see, and slightly hear, our sweet baby's heart beat!! Our pregnancy has been very real to us from the beginning, but seeing his/her little heart beat in my belly sure did do something to us. We were captivated and in awe. I feel so thankful and blessed to be entrusted with another one of God's children. The doctor hasn't given us a specific due date yet, but based on the internet it will be around August 23rd. Because my previous cycle was not a typical cycle, it is a little more difficult to calculate. But still, at the doctor appoint, I was 7 weeks and our baby measured that of a 7 week old baby! This means Gavin and Wyatt will be 17.5 months older than their little brother or sister.

The first day I found out, my heart was full of joy. I noticed however that I had some fear due to my miscarriage only the month before. It almost felt as if my mind was trying to protect my heart. I decided very quickly that day that I was going to hand every thing over to God (as in all things) and rest in Him. I would not let fear take away my joy and time with my little one. I feel very strongly and know that God has a great purpose for this precious child. Without our awareness that 'it was time' to have another child, God breathed life into this sweet blessing and allowed for us to be his/her mother and father.

Lord, thank You for entrusting us with another child of yours! I pray that together we can teach him/her all about You; that all of our children grow close to You, love You, serve You and glorify You. I so look forward to seeing who You are making this precious child to be. What are his/her likes, dislikes, gifts, passions and paths You wish him to take? Whose lives will he touch and who will touch his? Please provide me the wisdom and discernment to shepherd these three precious children towards You. May all our children experience the joy and peace that only You can provide us. May they always feel loved and safe in this world, and most importantly, know Your love and protection. I pray for them to grow daily in their relationship with you. I pray for us as a family to grow in our relationship with You and each other. Thank You Lord for all you have entrusted to us. Thank You for your unyielding love and presence.

Our First Ultrasounds
Dec 21st

Jan 5th

Job 1:21

“The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” ~Job 1:21~

I sit here and wonder where to even begin; for I’ll never be able to put into words the feelings of my heart. It sits in my top draw, always placed on top, the only physical reminder left of our sweet blessing God gave us for only a short time. The LORD gave us another child, and has called him/her home after only 6 weeks in the womb. May the name of the LORD be praised now and forever.

The week of November 14th, we were surprised with a positive pregnancy test! While not trying, and taking precautions, we were very surprised to say the least. I remember dancing around the kitchen as Gavin and Wyatt were eating lunch, telling them they were going to be big brothers. They were just laughing and clapping along with me. There was some fear naturally, as the three of them would only be 16 months apart. But what a wonderful and glorious blessing we had been given!

Due to spotting, my doctor wanted me to get blood work to check my hcg levels. Wednesday’s test verified we were pregnant. Thursday morning however I awoke to sever bleeding which continued for a while. Another blood test on Friday verified my hcg levels were drastically decreasing. Oh how my heart aches. The complete shock of such a wonderful gift taken so quickly away. I do not claim to know God’s ways, but I do know His ways are perfect. He is a kind, loving, all-knowing God who works all things for good.

I’ll never forget some of the ways God brought me comfort in the days to come. One especially etched in my heart and mind was brought through Gavin and Wyatt. I was in the restroom as my heart was aching, when two amazing little boys barged in on me. The door came flying open as they crawled ever so quickly; laughing, squealing and chasing each other. They had the biggest grins on their face as they smiled up at me. Thank you LORD for speaking through your two wonderful sons You have entrusted us with!!

I thank God that we took a test and knew we were pregnant. If I would have waited just a few more days, I never would have known. How wonderful that I was able to love our sweet child with all my heart during his/her short life. How wonderful knowing we have a sweet baby who is getting lots of hugs and kisses from Jesus this very moment. How wonderful to know that I get to love this child the rest of my life. Oh how my heart aches though. The tears still fall and it’s hard to talk about; every day I think about him/her.

I’ve learned something major through this miscarriage. You see, for a few weeks I had a continual ‘feeling’ that I was pregnant. I kept dismissing it thinking my mind was being bazaar. I was convinced that for some reason my body/mind was trying to convince me to start trying. Why would we want to start trying when the boys were only 8 months? So I ignored all the ‘thoughts’. But I’d spend time thinking about how wonderful it would be to have another lil’ one someday. I’d started to think that Jason and I should have a conversation about when to perhaps consider it (down the road of course). The idea of being pregnant was a wonderful one to me; even though I didn’t know why I was even thinking about it. Then my body was ‘getting in on the convincing’ too. I was extremely nauseous for a couple of days, but then it went away. I thought perhaps I had a very small version of the boys’ stomach bug. Then I had other symptoms that I only had while pregnant with the boys. Well, after being late for more than a week, I took a test. I am convinced it wasn’t my body talking to me, but it was God. God was telling me He had given us a child to love, even if only for a short time. If I would have listened, instead of dismissing His voice as my insanity, I could have loved on our sweet child at least a week longer or more.

Thank you LORD for your gifts, no matter how long we have them, no matter how You give them. Thank You also for never leaving us alone. Thank You for your peace, joy and comfort. Thank You for your love. Thank You for loving my sweet child I’ll never meet more than I can fathom. Thank You for my dear husband and best friend. Thank You for our most precious Gavin and Wyatt You’ve entrusted us with. Thank You LORD. Thank You.

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today our sweet babies were conceived. It was a year ago today that I went in for my ‘egg retrieval’ that began our journey into parenthood. (See our posts from last year...) Our journey has never been what we ‘envisioned’ many years ago; I can honestly say it’s been much better though. True it’s been much harder than I could imagine and many roads filled with trials have been traveled, but the growth and gifts we’ve been given along the way far outweigh everything else. The past week or so, I’ve been looking back through my writings as I traveled through our journey of infertility God entrusted us with. My heart is warmed as I read my pain knowing God was smiling down on us as He held our sweet baby boys Gavin and Wyatt. ‘All is well my child’ I can imagine God saying to me back then as I cried for our children. And ‘all is well’ indeed. I thank God for being with us each step of the way. I thank God for shining enough light on our path to take the next step. I thank God for the growth He wanted us to experience before our boys were born. The list goes on and on as I reflect. To top off the list, I sit here this morning as my sweet boys take their first morning nap and say thank You God for the precious little ones you have entrusted to us. I pray with all my heart we can be great parents to them. I pray we set good examples for them to follow. I pray we help them know the Lord as their personal Savior and friend. I pray we encourage them to grow into the men God created them to be; to travel the paths He has prepared for them. I pray they know just how much we love and cherish them. I pray they see just how much their mom and dad love each other and love the Lord. I pray for their health and safety; for their happiness and their future. I pray for the lives they will touch. Oh the things I pray… Thank you Lord for all the wonderful journeys and gifts you have entrusted us with. May my eyes stay continually on You.

We ARE Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Jason and I are filled with such joy!! We found out this past weekend that God has blessed us in ways our hearts have desired for so long now! We thank God for entrusting us with His child(ren) and so look forward to each stage of this wonderful new journey. My heart feels such pure joy and peace from our Lord; thankful that He has always been here with us and will always be. I will write a whole lot more later, but for now I just wanted to announce it before time got away from me!

Saturday, July 17th, Jason and I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive; the most beautiful sight we've seen! We took another one on Sunday and Wednesday and still two lines! I will hear the official blood results from the doctor today and go in for an ultrasound in mid-August to determine how many blessings I am carrying.

Thank you Lord for entrusting us with infertility and now with our sweet babies!

The Endowment for Human Development

I've spent some time going through this website and really like it. It shares a lot of prenatal development in beginner, intermediate and advanced terms. The explanations and images/videos are great.

I wanted to share it with everyone in case you are interested!!


http://www.ehd.org/dev_article_intro.php

Our Babies Are Now With Us!!!

Yesterday, July 7th was our big day in which our sweet babies were transferred back inside my womb! We did end up transferring three and pray that all three implant and grow healthy and strong. I’m now on bed rest for a few days making sure I give them every chance to implant as possible. It feels great to finally know that they are with us again. The three months in between egg retrieval and fertilization and now was emotional. It was hard knowing our babies were created and here on earth but we couldn’t be with them. Now I know I’m giving them everything I have and praying every minute for them and us. I pray expectantly for I feel they will grow and most importantly I know God’s greatness. I pray most importantly for God’s will over mine however for I know God is forever good and His ways are perfect. I thank Him for His joy and peace He gives me daily.

We now wait a couple of weeks before a pregnancy test confirms what we are praying for.

On a different and yet very similar note, I started reading ‘Sacred Parenting” by Gary Thomas recently. Let me tell you this is an awesome parenting book! The book focuses on our spiritual growth through parenthood versus the numerous books out there all giving advise on ‘how-to’ raise ‘good and successful kids’. As Gary puts it, “We spend so much time talking about the how-to of parenting that we neglect the equally important ‘why’ of parenting. This is unfortunate because the ‘why’ eventually drives and even shapes the ‘how-to’. With the wrong ‘why’, our motivations will get skewed, and while the ‘how-to’ may be effective, it’ll be effectively wrong."

I have many favorite quotes from chapter one, but here are several to give you an idea:

“The more time I spent with my kids…the more open they seemed to God’s presence in their lives. The less time I spent with them, the less they seemed to pray. The observation both sobered and humbled me; somehow, in their minds, I helped shape their passion and hunger for God.”

“The process of raising children requires skills that God alone possesses… parenting regularly reminds us of our absolute humanity… Our ability to relate, to understand, and to build intimacy comes up short in a way that God does not.”

“To pin our hope and joy on the response of any given sinner is a precarious move at best. To pin this same hope and joy on the response of a sinner in his or her toddler or teen years is to beg for disillusionment and to risk waking up in despair.”

“One we realize we are sinners, that the children God has given us are sinners and that together, as a family, we are to grow toward God, then family life takes on an entirely new purpose and context. It becomes a sacred enterprise when we finally understand that God can baptize dirty diapers, toddlers’ tantrums and teenagers’ silence in order to transform us into people who more closely resemble Jesus Chris.”

“Paul first tells us to purify ourselves, not our children. Many of us are so tempted to focus on purifying our children that we neglect our own spiritual growth. He then goes on to give an example that when we in an airplane and an emergency happens, we are instructed to first put on our air masks and then our children’s. We are useless to our children unless we first help ourselves…

“Child-centered parents act nicely toward their children only when their children act nicely toward them. A child-centered parent goes out of the way as long as the child appreciates the sacrifices. A child-centered parent bases his or her actions on the kid’s response. A God-centered parent acts out of reverence for God.”

“If parenting were only about behavior modifications, Jesus would have praised the Pharisees and kicked dirt on the adulterous woman.”

Yes, those are all the quotes I wanted to share today and no they are not the whole chapter! I just really enjoyed the chapter and think we all need to read this and take this to heart every day. I pray that my focus is always on God and that I serve my husband and children He has and will entrusts me with accordingly.

Before I started reading the book, God led me from one Scripture to another until I stopped on 1 Peter 5:2-4 which is a perfect quote for parenting!! I’ll leave you with this Scripture verse:

“Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion, but willingly, not for dishonest gain but eagerly; nor being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; and when the Christ Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away.”

Finding Balance

It’s been a while since I wrote down my deeper thoughts, mostly because I honestly have not been able to put any of them into words. It’s as if God is speaking to something much deeper in me than what my mind can understand. A million different subjects fed to my soul at one time and yet it’s been months. Through this confusion I can still feel God speaking softly to my soul; feeding me a few lighted words and concepts in the darkness that continually surrounds me.

About the darkness.

I’m learning to embrace this place knowing that God is in the midst of it all, and with God, there is no true darkness. "...that God is light and in Him is no darkness at all..." ~1 John 1:5-7~ "For You will light my lamp; The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness." ~Psalm 18:28~ What is perceived as darkness to my mind and soul is only hidden aspects of life. Some hidden only because of lack of wisdom or time and some hidden by God for various purposes. For He knows that too bright of a light can blind us and our focus is removed from Him and fear sets in. So I continue to take my daily steps as God shines just enough light for the next one. Some days I can see a faded light in the distance, reminding me that there is a greater plan ahead, and yet others I must rely only on faith. God is faithful and His will be done and His plans fulfilled. I’m thankful that this darkness I am in is not a separation from Him; not a depression if you will, but only a valley in the dessert. With time my walling will be turned into dancing and perhaps some light shed on the questions of my soul. I pray as more of my path is illuminated, that I can look back and see the growth He wishes and a greater dependence on Him.

So as I go through this darkness, relying on God’s light, I realize I’m struggling with a sense of balance in my life. Not the balancing one might often quickly think of in the area of life. I’m not struggling to find time to manage being a wife and work, home life and outside activities, friends and family. My questions come from some place deeper than what my mind can comprehend.

How can I find the balance between striving to feel God here with me and ‘just being’ knowing that He is right here?

How can I balance stretching as God is teaching me to do so, and yet sitting by quiet waters as He restores my soul?

How can I let go of clinging to God knowing He’s asking me to stretch while reminding me He’ll never let go?

How can I find the balance of faith and hope and yet understand that God’s ways or timing might be different than my desires?

I don’t know the answers to my questions. I do know where to find them though. It will take time, but God will reveal them and by staying in His Word and keeping my eyes focused on Him, I know with time, more light will be shed on my path and His ways revealed.

So for now, I pray God leads me to know the balance of prayer, devotion, time in His Word, silence, fellowship, reading, writing, and just being. I pray I do not live on yesterday’s bread alone, but seek time daily to be filled with God’s goodness. May I realize satan’s lies and know that God’s Word brings fulfillment and nourishment always.

...come and let us walk in the light of the Lord. ~Isaiah 2:5~

Just Enough Light
~Stormie Omartian~

Sometimes only the step I’m on,
Or the very next one ahead,
Is all that is illuminated for me.
God gives just the amount of light I need
For the exact moment I need it.
At those times I walk in surrender to faith,
Unable to see the future
And not fully comprehending the past.
And because it is God who has given me
What light I have,
I know I must reject the fear and
Doubt that threaten to overtake me.
I must determine to be content where
I am, and allow God to get me where I
Need to go.
I walk forward,
One step at a time,
Fully trusting that
The light God sheds
Is absolutely sufficient.

On the Lighter Side

Tonight Jason and I went out to dinner. As we ate I ‘celebrated’ multiple (and some petty) things after the past 3 trying weeks.

1) I am on the road to recovery and out of the hospital (again)… major blessing and answer to prayers.

2) I am able to dress in normal attire after ditching the wonderful world of hospital fashion. I was lucky to have to have a hospital gown that not only opened to the back but snapped along the shoulders, was 5xs too big and had a pocket in the front that completely opened to the skin. Yup, you read that right. I had to wear a heart monitor so the wires had to come through this pocket which made it open up and expose what should remain covered up. To avoid any embarrassing moments, I had to tape it up around the wires. This just added extra coolness to my awesome outfit I got to show off for a week!

3) And my most favorite… I can wear all my old clothes again and I’m back in my jeans!

Let me explain #3…

Last week after hospital round #1, I came home with 20 extra lbs of fluid build up even after draining 6 liters of fluid from my abdomen during my stay. It was pretty frightening looking at myself in the mirror; lumpy is the only way to describe it. I had lumps on my lower back, I couldn’t stand up straight due to the stretching of my upper and lower abdomen (my belly button was starting to pop out some) and my thighs and hips were water logged. Surprising, very little water was retained in my calves, my feet, my arms and my face (yay I guess!). None of my clothes fit so I had to wear flowing dresses and night gowns for days. After a couple of days I had Jason take me to Target to get some ‘larger underclothes’ just in case the water didn’t keep coming off as fast. Well, safe to say it did and now the underclothes are stored away unused for when I’m pregnant with our sweet little ones.

So needless to say, the first few days after being back from the hospital were spent sitting, laying down and running to the ladies room! I’d have to get out of bed every 40 min to an hour each night. Sometimes I’d run back to bed celebrating and waking Jason up to announce that I’d lost another 3 lbs! He’d pretend to be excited for me and roll back to bed as I’d lay awake smiling from ear to ear imagining the days of jeans and my ‘old’ wardrobe!

By the time this past Monday came around, I was back to my old size and weight, but I was hanging around the house so stayed in my comfy clothes. Little did I know that I’d be back in the hospital by noon and never getting to try my ol’ stuff on. So I spent a couple more days in the wonderful hospital fashion I’ve grown accustomed to and then… went to dinner tonight and put on my ol’ pair of jeans! After 3 weeks of this, I’m happy to say that I enjoyed the blue denim on my legs!

So… I think I need my own commercial and weight loss program. “Hi, my name is Shanna and I lost 20 lbs in less than a week. My secret…? Peeing! Get your kidneys functioning after a week of hell and fluid build up, and tada… 20 lbs lighter! Kidney function… works every time!”

All joking aside, I am so thankful for the answered prayers and God healing my body to allow it to begin functioning normally again! Nice to see my body back to normal before it goes through pregnancy later this year!

Round Two - Another Hospital Visit

Monday morning I woke up with extreme pains under my right ribcage. It subdued enough for me to be able to take a shower, and sit down on the couch to try to start working again. The pains started to come back, but only when I moved or took a deep breath. I thought it would go away, naturally, so I joined in on our conference call for work. 30 minutes later I had to hang up b/c the pains were so bad. I had to take shallow breaths. To make a long story short, about noon I had my sweet neighbor Kim take me to the ER and Jason met us there. My mother-in-law also came to join us shortly after. 7 hours, a CT Scan, chest x-ray, ultrasound, blood tests, pain meds, etc later, I was admitted into the hospital again with fluid on the lung after ruling out gallbladder and blood clots. So I spent Monday night in the hospital wondering if they were going to have to drain the fluid using a needle through the back (very risky due to the possibility of puncturing the lungs) or if it could drain naturally.

I found out Tuesday late morning that we would let it drain naturally. I had breathing treatments and exercises to do to help my lungs expand, push out the fluid and help prevent pneumonia. I saw 3 doctors that day and spoke with our fertility clinic on the phone. We got to see the CT Scans which was pretty interesting in itself. The fluid build up was a result of the Ovarian Hyperstim from last week. Getting the severe form of Hyperstim and requiring hospitalization is rare as well as developing the fluid around the lung. So at this point after beating all the ‘odds’, I’m thinking we need to buy a lotto ticket and see what happens! Maybe this time the results could be fun, ha!

I was released Wednesday afternoon and told to do my breathing exercises every hour. I’ll head back to the doctors next week to check on my progress unless something changes for the worse between now and then. I’m so thankful to be home, but it’s still a little unnerving to know I’m sitting here with fluid around my lungs…

I felt really worried on Monday sitting in the ER as the thought of a blood clot was on everyone’s mind. I prayed often for God’s peace during this anxious time. What relief when a clot was ruled out! The pain was awful, but I was thankful it wasn’t consistent. When I was told to take the deep breaths and exercises despite the pain, I wasn’t thrilled, but it sure did help! Pain is always okay when you know it’s going to help you and prove good results in the end. Pain without knowing the cause or wondering if you are hurting your self worse is unnerving.

I woke up Tuesday pretty frustrated down deep that I was back in the hospital. Thankful at the same time though for all my blessings and knowing God was right there with me, I decided to focus my time on correcting my attitude and keep my eyes on God. It was a difficult day trying not to pout while I was in there, but a beautiful day as I purposefully counted my blessings. This hospital stay was much easier now that I had become more of a pro at hospital visits and routines!

Tuesday night gave me very little sleep! I was woken up every 30 min to an hour for ultrasounds to check for blood clots, ultrasounds to check for fluid in my abdomen from last week, blood pressure checks, antibiotics through IVs, blood work, etc. Needless to say I was pretty tired on Wednesday, but perked up when I found out I was going to be able to come home!

I’ll never fully know why God has allowed us to go through ALL of this, but I trust Him and am thankful that He is right here with us. I am thankful I can give Him all my anxieties, fears, concerns, thoughts, hopes, joys, future, health, family and loved ones and know that He is sovereign and perfect and holy; He has plans for all of us, plans for a future full of good in which His name will be glorified and He will continue to pour out His love for us.


Here are some of Scripture verses I focused on this week:

~Isaiah 41:9-10~
“You whom I have taken from the end of the erath, and called from its farthest regions, and said to you, ‘You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’”

~Lamentations 3:22-26~
“Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. ‘The LORD is my portion,’ says my soul. ‘Therefore I hope in Him!’ The LORD is good to those who wait on Him. To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.”

Thankfulness

There comes a point in our lives when things happen and we learn how truly blessed we are with the people in our lives. Jason and I are filled with such gratitude and awe as we have come to see how amazing our family and friends are. We have been blessed with numerous prayers, thoughts, emails and phone calls. We have had dear friends visit us at the hospital, bring us dinner and other goodies and offer their love and support. Some of God's greatest gifts come from and through the people He places in our lives.

I want to thank you all for EVERYTHING you have done. I look forward to getting 100% better and being able to be there for each of you as well. May God be with you and your families as well!

Lots of love and prayers for you all!!

Dryness

LORD, I know You are out there, and I know You are here.
I remember You saying, ‘You are right here with me.’
I know of Your love, Your holiness,
And I know what Your peace and joy feel like in me.

I have no doubts and my trust and hope is in You,
And yet my soul is dry and fear of the uncertain takes over.
How can I feel dry when I know You are here?
Could there be a wall I’ve built that I am unaware?

If there be a wall, some fake protection from the pain,
Please LORD, remove it, break it all down.
If I have to march around the wall day after day blowing my horn,
I’ll sing Your praises knowing that soon it will fall.

I can’t go on without feeling You each day,
You in my heart is what completes me.
I miss Your unexplainable Joy and Peace you provide;
One that isn’t determined by our circumstances.

I know we are going through this journey for a reason,
Your plans are great and I trust in You.
But my fears are still there and the pain won’t go away,
How do I remain joyful while I wait? How do I embrace the pain?

What do I do with my thoughts and my days?
Thinking of children while waiting hurts to bad.
I miss the joy and happiness I felt not too long ago,
I have too much here to let it all go.

I’m thankful for my dear husband and friend,
I want to make sure I don’t throw away any time with him.
I want us to be ‘carefree’ and trusting,
Waiting together but not wishing time away.

Teach me to wait with grace and joy,
Break down this unforeseen wall.
I want to feel Your presence again,
And this dryness to be delivered by Your water.

Show me what to do,
I pray for clarity.
Heal my dryness,
And let me feel Your Peace and Joy again.

Another Ebb and Tide...

It’s been almost two weeks since our egg retrieval. A lot has happened in these two weeks and none of it was what we had envisioned, planned or hoped for. Jason had to take me to the ER on Thursday after the retrieval which led to my admittance to the hospital that evening. You read of the risks associated with certain procedures or medicines you take throughout your life, but you always assume or pray the worst won’t really happen to you. We knew I could likely develop Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome and that even a much smaller percentage could require hospitalization. I guess I was just one of those odds; just my draw of the cards. I spent 5 days and 5 nights in the hospital as they treated Sever OHHS. I think Thursday – Saturday was the most emotional for me and Jason and we learned of my sever situation and dealt with the hospital’s incompetence and lack of communication in the beginning. IVs, antibiotics, bed rest and I ended up having 3 paracentesis of over 6 liters total (draining of the fluid build up in my abdomen). My ovaries were the size of baseballs instead of walnuts which caused so much of the problems. My body sent all my nutrients to the site of the ‘infection’, which left nothing for my blood and rest of the body. I got to go home this past Tuesday evening though and have spent my days in bed resting. I gained 15-20 lbs of water retention while in the hospital and I’m so very thankful to say it’s all off now. I’ll have to spend the next week or two resting and staying at home with very limited activity.

They ended up having to freeze our embryos and we will try the transfer process here in the next couple of months after my body has time to heal and get healthy again. We want to make sure our babies have the best possible start and right now, my body couldn’t do that. I won’t have to go through the egg retrieval process again, so the transfer process is much easier and no risk of OHHS again. Maybe mid-June or mid-July will be our new transfer date.

For now, I’ll work on getting healthy and back to work as well. I pray for strength during this time as I struggle with the ebb and tide of emotions yet again. I know with God all things are possible, but I struggle with trying to build a wall around myself to protect from risk of future hurts, disappointments, frustrations and fears. I know this isn’t good and pray for God to help. I pray I grow and strengthen, but by no means do I want to become hardened. This is hard on me and Jason, but we are going through this as a couple. I am so thankful for him by my side. He’s been such a wonderful help as I heal. I also am so thankful for our wonderful family and friends who have prayed and help us during this time.

Our Babies are doing well!

Well, I spoke with the doctor today and they said that they retrieved 50-60 follicles yesterday and that there were 29 mature eggs total. After injecting the sperm into the egg, they wait about 24 hours and then check on them.

THEY LOOK GREAT today and are now growing and diving as we speak!

Our sweet babies are tucked away safely and growing! How exciting! We won't know more until later this week as they don't want to interrupt them more than they have to. For now, our transfer date is Saturday!

Thanking God and praying for each one more than words can describe!

Here are some pictures of embroy's their first week of development for your reference (not our babies though...)


1 Day Embryo; zygote


3 Day embryo


"Day 5 IVF embryo at the blastocyst stageThe cluster of cells on the right side are fetal cellsThe other peripheral cells will become the placentaThe fluid-filled cavity of the blastocyst is on the left side."

Photos taken from http://www.advancedfertility.com/

'Good Stimmer' But Not Feeling So Good

I intended to post more this past week, but honestly I was not up to it. One goal was of course to write about Easter and the other was to talk about our journey and how it all was going.

Well, after multiple daily injections and frequent doctor visits, it turns out that I am a very good ‘stimmer’ which means that I react to the injections very well and produce MANY eggs. Depending on the women’s body and the cause of infertility if applicable, some women can produce as few as 5 follicles and even into the 20s. A follicle is a fluid filled sac in the ovaries that may contain an egg. Not every follicle will contain an egg; usually about 50-70%. Recently our doctor had a patient who had 40 follicles. Well, last Friday the nurse counted 53 follicles… 28 in one and 25 in another. You should have seen her eyes get real wide. At the end she smiled at me and Jason and told me as I got dressed she was going to take the ultrasound pictures to the doctor. When I came out, everyone was standing around smiling at me all wide-eyed saying… wow… you must be so sore. Whew… I thought I had a high tolerance for pain, but I sure had been tender this week and this sure did explain it. Most women are shocked when they have 20 something… I had over 50! So the doctor explained what this means and what the risks were and how the pain would be. Needless to say, we didn’t do anything this weekend. Went to 2 movies and I lay around the house. Went to Easter service and then enjoyed a great dinner with Jason’s mom and grandma! The dinner was simple and yet good; they were so sweet in bringing a few things so I wasn’t in the kitchen cooking. I tell you, it was hard to just move w/o being sore. And then my stomach started to bloat so bad that week too and by the weekend I was ‘miserable’. Other than my colonoscopy, I never talked so openly about stomach problems with Jason! Although it didn’t feel the best, I tried to make light of the situation and tease our dog Pickles that I had more eggs than she did when she had her litters!

Monday morning the 5th came and Jason and I were so excited. We went in, they prepped me and started the anesthesia. What takes about 15 min or less for other patience, took the doctors 40 minutes for me! As I came to, I started to cry at the excitement of becoming a mommy… I felt the pain, but it wasn’t awful… yet… About 3 hours after the surgery it hit… the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Before Monday, the worst pain I’ve had dealt with was from my intestinal problems in which my intestines and stomach muscles spasm and contracted for 30 min straight; took my breath away and left me in pain for a week afterwards… This pain yesterday was worse than that even. I couldn’t sit or lie down in any position and all I could take was Tylenol which didn’t help. The doctors warned me about the pain and actually said they were worried about it. Normally women don’t feel like this b/c they don’t have so many eggs… as the doctor says, it’s like stabbing your arm 60 times; it will become painful and swollen. Except this is my internal organs… which makes it that much worse. Ugh, so I’ll stop with the details and share that I did start to feel some what better this morning. All day today though has not been fun at all and I’m in continual prayers that God takes the pain away. I hope each day gets better and better and my health increases instead of developing Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.

I’d also like to end saying that I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who has been so sweet and has taken wonderful care of me! Also, thank you to those who have been so sweet in sharing your prayers and kind words. For now I’ll try to keep my eyes focused on Him and our sweet little babies! Saturday morning will be the big transfer day!!

Our Closing Week in this Chapter

My how time has flown. It for sure hasn't been one of those 'time flies when having fun' moments lately, but more like I'm in shock at how much we have grown individually and as a couple; mentally, emotionally and spiritually, all in a relative short amount of time.

We've gone from the world of dating, to engagement, to marriage and all the major and minor life's events in there. We've gone through college and all its activities together, we've graduated together and built our first home together, and started our 'real' jobs together. We've discussed when to start a family and gone through the roller-coasters of infertility. We've discussed that we would not wait a long time before being tested (and thanks be to God for that!) and then which path to take after we received our results. Now that we are marking the end of this IVF path, looking back, I can say that we really have grown so much in such a short time. Neither Jason nor I are the same people we were when we meet for the first time in October of 2002 or when we first started dating in January 2003. We aren't even the same as we were this time last year as we enjoyed St. Lucia and 'kicked off' our trip towards parenthood. Now exactly a year later we are kissing good bye to this chapter in our lives and getting ready to take on a whole new one!

In less than a week, our little babies will be conceived and then will soon be growing in my tummy. I am hopeful in this because my trust and complete confidence in my God who strengthens me. I know after this week, our lives will never be the same and I can't wait to hold and kiss our little ones soon!

So I've started all my injections already; that's three per night right now. I have to say that it has all been so much easier than I thought. I know that is all relative and maybe it's because God is strengthening me and my eyes are focused on Him, my husband and our sweet babies. While this is likely the case, I am so thankful. This is the hardest week; hormones still ever changing and I'm now becoming tender internally as all my eggs are maturing and my ovaries are expanding. I laughed yesterday when I realized that I had more mature eggs in me than my dog Pickles does when she's in heat and ready for a 'litter'! To date the doctor appointments have been going well and I'm doing great. I pray for God's continual guidance and provisions throughout all of this.

While all is going well, this is still hard on us emotionally and I pray continually for strength spiritually. I've been having reoccurring dreams the past couple of weeks. They vary from dream to dream, but the premise is the same. I'll be driving at night and all is pitch black around me; I can't see anything. No matter what I try to do, the only light that will be produced is right in front of me, and I mean, right in front where I can see only my tires or the hood of the car. Feelings are fearful but I know I must keep on driving forward. It's not the dark that causes fear, but knowing that I must keep moving in the dark that causes the anxiety and makes me call out to God and ask for reassurance from Him. Sometimes I wake up while still driving w/o any sight and sometimes a car will come out in front of me. In my most recent dream it was a Police SUV that pulled out in front of me; only that suv was dimly lit and all else remained dark. I was so thankful to have something to keep my focus on during that dark time. Like in other dreams of mine in the past, I know that the 'emergency vehicles or people' represent spiritual beings, whether angels or God. In this dream, I knew that it was God reassuring me that He is 'right here with me' and that I am to keep my eyes focused on Him. While this doesn't help answer some questions we have or shine some light on the road signs, He shows us His grace is sufficient and that He is leading us; even though it's dark and we are uncertain so often. I am thankful for God's continual reminding on this and my soul rejoices and says:

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him."
~Psalm 28:7~

Reflections

I spent some time Sunday afternoon going through my old journals and enjoying seeing where God has taken me from and to. I really enjoyed focusing my reflections in the areas concerning our journey around parenthood and finding a home church. Back in May of 2008 I felt God reminding me that He has plans for me while teaching me to be content. In July my focus was moved to ‘perspective’ and ‘change’ then on into ‘trust’ and ‘listening’. In late July I wrote, “In reference to the longing of my heart; my passion: How sweet are our (mine and Jason’s) conversations surrounding these…How precious is this time God has given us as a couple; a time to bond, to share in our excitements and a time when we are ready and yet know it’s not quite time. I will continue to pray for guidance…”

That week my dear friend spoke to me about a story referencing a tree without water. Do I give up and seek my own means, ways and judgments and then wither, or do I stretch, growing my roots and drinking of the water? “Lord, let me stretch! Let me grow deeper towards You, to Your beautiful pool of water. I will seek You continually with this desire. Lord let me grow. Let me hear you when You call and let me grow when you want me to stretch to the waters! I love you LORD, my heart and life be for You and Your will!” I said.

I learned with time that I did not want my desires to be diluted while I was in a time of wait, but rather that they grow stronger still and that they be moved and wrapped around His will and guidance alone. ‘May I use this desire to prepare for Your will…This is the time You have blessed me with to prepare.’

I was in a stage of wait for the longest of time. Waiting for many things; friendships, service, finding the home church God wanted us at, children, contentment with work, etc… “I’m in a stage of wait; a stage where my purpose is to follow and be molded,” I wrote.

In September 2008, God was teaching me:
To focus on Him alone; my joy is from Him alone.
I won’t be who He wants me to be and used for reasons He wishes until I learn to always want His will at any cost.

In December 2008, “God has assured me that He has plans for me and He is in control. Peace fills me as I am told to wait and endure this waiting time. He will provide and all will fall in place. The LORD will not let my desire be in vain. He will use me, He will strengthen me. I will wait and be of good cheer for God is with me and has plans for me…”

Prayer in January 2009, “You have made known to me the path of life, You will fill me with joy in Your presence with eternal pleasures at You right hand. I have many desires within me. I understand that my longings are not always bad, but in my impatience, Lord, help me not to attempt to meet those longings in wrong ways. Help me to be patient and hear You. You always have what is best for me in mind. It is Your timing that is important. Thank You that the day is coming when the deepest thirst and longings of my soul will be fully satisfied in Your presence.”

In February 2009, “I often wonder what God’s plans are. If we will get pregnant quickly, who are children will be, etc… How exciting!” At this point we received clear signs that the church we were attending for a year was no longer the place God wanted us. We began our search for a new church home. It wouldn’t be until the end of June that we attended St. John for the first time. It was then that we knew we had come to the place God wanted us to serve!!

As I read through my journal, I also saw the beautiful steps God lead me to in areas of service He was preparing for me to do. I saw my attention and passions go from the broad areas of families, to children, to the youth, to young ladies in about a 2 year span. Now I am so excited to be focusing on developing friendships with the young ladies at St. John as we mentor each other through these stages of life!

The rest of 2009 was spent in cycling anticipation of pregnancy and crying out to the Lord in disappointment. We learned of ‘road blocks’ and realized God might have other plans for our ‘journey’. My heart is saddened as I reflect on my words from last year and yet I rejoice as I read through my thoughts and prayers. I leave you with my prayer I’ve prayed for a year which is forever in my heart.

“Before I formed you in the womb… I knew you, says Jeremiah 1:5. Matthew 26:39 says, ‘Not as I will, but as You will.’ I want whatever Your will may be. We accept you plans and we are asking You to help us walk in obedience according to Your will. We want to walk in Your ways, not ours. A man’s ways seem right to him, but the Lord shall direct his steps. Prepare us for the days that lie ahead and go before us. All our days are numbered and know by You. We will seek You at all times, Father. You alone know the future our children would have. I want to raise them in fear of the Lord, that they may serve You all the days of their life. I ask that You grant me peace in this time while I quietly wait for You… I ask for Your will to be done and my heart trust in You.” ~taken from “Expectant Prayers for Expectant Mothers~

Hormones...

Hormones.

I often wonder why God made hormones so 'extreme'.

I mean, testosterone causes men to be down right ridiculous sometimes. Who really in their right mind would like to watch football and get into a fight all while farting and talking about boogers? Only testosterone causes men to want to smell something that their friends just said was the most fowl smelling thing they have ever come across.

But then there is estrogen. In my opinion, the most illogical hormone ever... Only estrogen or fluctuating levels of it can cause one to cry over anything and everything and leave us wondering why we are crying... Only estrogen can cause us to be at the top of the world one minute and ready to bite every one's head off the next. How can the same hormone cause women to be nurturing one day and flat out obnoxious the next?

Controlling hormones has always been a 'fun activity' for me if you will. I consider myself a 'logical person' and thus I know that with God's help, I can fight those grumpy moods and allow my husband to live during that one week a month in which he has done nothing wrong but is always finding himself 'upset with'. Grumpiness I can fight. I've found it's simply over won by 'keeping my mouth shut'. In other words, if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all! I might be quiet but at least I'm not regretting that I've shared that I think that everyone in the whole world is stupid and everything would be better if they just saw things like I did...! (God's Word speaks to us about many different areas in this last statement...I highly encourage us women to listen to that convicting voice when hormones are pushing us in other directions! It is always worth it!)

Grumpiness is one thing, but those stupid tears are totally different! There is nothing you can do to hold back those tears caused by seeing or hearing something sweet or sad. What's worse is when you can't stop crying and you have NO IDEA WHY... My poor husband had no idea what to think when after our first year of marriage I explained to him that I was crying for no reason. He just didn't see how that made any sense! And it doesn't! How can you 'feel fine' mentally but can't stop crying? Oh boy...

It's one thing to feel this way during that 'special week' as our grandmothers used to call it. But seriously, to feel this way non-stop... it's driving me nuts! Yesterday I cried at a Verizon Wireless commercial and I'm not even pregnant yet! The mom was letting her daughter go shopping in the mall alone for the first time... I'm crying now just thinking of it. Ugh, what a mess! I don't mean just aw, how sweet, but that's just down right sad and I want to grab my teddy bear and let out a good cry. But I can't... I am supposed to be able to overcome this right? Wrong! There is nothing I can do...

So after a month of taking the birth control in prep for the IVF cycle and now being on the first set of injections for almost two weeks, I can honestly say that these hormones are not getting any better! So I'm quiet sometimes (for if I don't have anything good to say...), I cry a lot over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and I am so very tired all the time. I can wake up feeling groggy, I'm up for about 2-3 hours and then I'm ready for bed again! I'm not depressed by any means, but I can literally sleep for 9 hours at night and then take two 2-3 hour naps during the day and be ready for bed again at 9... Too bad work gets in the way of this awesome schedule!

These hormones are getting the best of me and I'm not even to the 'good stuff' yet! After my appointment early this week, I'll find out if I can begin to take the next injections in the set of many. Maybe pregnancy will be 'easier' since I'm getting a taste of all this right now. If I have triplets though, I just know my poor husband will loose his best friend (that would be me!) for about 8 months and I'll be getting to know our bed a whole lot more...

Wishing us all well in a world full of hormones!

Seeking God's guidance, wisdom and discernment

As we have gone through this journey of infertility, Jason and I have been tested and grown more than we ever thought we would ever have to. Each step of the process has made us think beyond what we would have ever had to otherwise. It has really made us stop and think together about what we feel is not only ‘right and wrong’ in the eyes of God, but what is it that God is calling us to do or not. We realize that we can not take one step without asking for God’s direction.

When we first received all the test results back, we had to make the decision as to whether or not we would wait to conceive ‘naturally’ which could likely take another year or years or worse, never. We understand that conception is a ‘God thing’ and it will happen only when He is ready despite any health issues or lack of. But we also understand that He has blessed us with intelligence that has allowed technology and medicine to be what it is today. Just as God could cure a person with cancer without any human intervention, it is wise to often seek medical assistance and undergo treatment. We must never assume how God will work His miracles, as we might pass up the very opportunities or deny the path He wishes us to travel.

So we had to learn all about our ‘treatment options’ and then discuss together as God filled us with peace and uneasiness about certain aspects. We know that God’s paths are marked with peace and this we are thankful for. We also had to weigh the economic aspects of each treatment. So once we knew ‘the facts’ and what we thought was our ‘best options’, we then had to weigh it all out and pray about it. We had to look at each aspect of each part of the process to determine what we felt was wise and moral in God’s eyes versus what the world would have you believe or follow. God had led us to get tested early, God had lead us to this doctor and we knew God was now leading us to IVF…

One major decision we had to make after choosing IVF was how many eggs to fertilize.

Now Jason and I have always agreed that life begins at conception; once an egg and sperm are truly fertilized. Everything else is arbitrary; when the heart beats, when an arm, leg or finger is formed, when the head is formed, when the brain does x, y and z, when it kicks for the first time, when hair develops, etc… With this said, what I did before we even began to get tested at our fertility doctor was explain to her our position. We did not want to even consider talking with her if they were not going to honor our views and work with us in the future in these areas. She shared that she too was a Christian and would only do as we asked.

So, back to our decisions… We now had to decide how many babies could we have at one time that would be healthy for both mom and babies these days. After much prayer and research, we decided on fertilizing 3 eggs only.

They ‘explained to us’ that this ‘decreases our odds’ of conception. What they typically like to do is fertilize the number of eggs retrieved during surgery, normally about 6-20 and then pick the two healthiest embryos and transfer them back to the woman’s uterus. They end up freezing the other embryos for ‘future use’. We of course would have no such thing and again, will only have them fertilize the number of eggs we are having them transfer; three.

So then at another point we were faced with the option of possibly fertilizing the number of eggs that we were willing to have as children.

We could possibly fertilize five eggs, transfer 3 right now and 2 at another time after freezing. By doing this we could end up with 5 live children or if this IVF cycle didn’t work, then we could try again shortly without having to go through each step and the costs would be half of this first time. Sounds good, right? Nope; not what we felt God was leading us to do or was right for us in His sight. Even if we were willing to have 5 children, what if something happened to me or Jason between now and the time our other 2 babies were transferred back into my uterus? What then? Would we just have our children frozen and possibly discarded in the future if we were no longer here? No way. We don’t even like the idea of freezing, more or less leaving their fate so open like that. We rather trust in God and take only one step at a time. If it costs us more in the end, we know He will provide. Ultimately He has a plan and His ways are perfect. So, no freezing of embryos, eggs, sperm and only fertilizing 3!

We are not getting any genetic diagnosis performed. We are not selecting any qualities or checking for health issues. God has a plan for each life He conceives, and we can’t wait to be parents of the sweet precious lives He entrusts us with. We pray our babies are healthy, but trust in God completely. He loves us and our children more than our minds can fathom.

Did you know that just because a sperm meets an egg and ‘gets inside’, does not mean that fertilization occurs. You can have a sperm right in the middle of an egg and yup, nothing happens. Wow, that just proves how much God is a part of conception and that life really begins only once fertilization happens. Even if a doctor inserts a sperm into an egg during IVF, does not mean that fertilization occurs. So there is a chance that they could come back the next day and zero out of the three eggs could not be fertilized.

There have many other areas to consider and pray about along the way. We thank God for giving this opportunity to grow and learn to further trust in Him and rely on His guidance. It has not been easy, but I know He has a purpose. I am excited to see what that is! For now… IVF, here we come.

Hannah's Hope

Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss






http://www.amazon.com/Hannahs-Hope-Infertility-Miscarriage-Adoption/dp/1576836541/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267804395&sr=8-1#noop



From the Back Cover
Hannah's heart beat with a mother's love long before she was blessed with a child. Through the years of waiting and longing, her gentle heart was nearly crushed under the weight of grief. You can meet Hannah in the pages of 1 Samuel, chapters 1 and 2. The Bible says she was "barren," and we know she suffered heartache, anguish, and grief because of her empty arms. Perhaps you do too. Hannah's Hope is for all who long for a child yet to be conceived, grieve for a baby too soon passed from the womb, or have lived through the no-man's-land of failed adoption. It is intended as a guide to assist you in making wise decisions as you struggle through your grief. And by the end of the journey, God may surprise you by the ways He uses to answer your heart's cry. Compassionately written by a woman who knows well these painful struggles, Hannah's Hope will direct you to the Source of strength, whose name is "the God of all comfort."


I read this book back in January and feel that God lead me to it when He did for a reason. It was wonderful and honestly truly helped me as I faced the fact that Jason and I were really facing infertility issues and not just ‘having to give it more time’… This book is wonderful for anyone going through infertility, miscarriages or failed adoptions or for anyone who knows someone who is or will someday. So that basically means I think everyone should read it. It really gives you insight to what people face and the emotional struggles associated with these types of journeys. It allows those not going through one of these journeys insight into how hurtful words or events can be even if good is meant from them.

This book is a great godly perspective you don’t find too many places. It is vital to see God in every aspect of your life; even the hard ones like infertility, loss and death. I know God has a purpose throughout all of this and I want glory to be given to Him no matter what path He leads us down.

I spent a lot of time facing our infertility and talking through it with Jason in the very beginning. While painful, this has really helped me see clearer and understand all sides. No one prepares to have to go through something like this, so when you are facing it, it is wise I think to prepare yourself for what you will go through. Now when people say very insensitive statements or painful events or topics come up, I can look on them with grace and give my feelings to God to heal. I know few mean harm by what they say or do, but it is wise to pay attention to what others might be going through before you speak.

One thing I have learned is never ask someone if they are married or have children. Often you are making them discuss the fact that they do not have something their heart longs for. Instead say something like; ‘tell me about yourself’… I’ve had people ask if I have kids and then say, ‘well, I hope you have them’ and walk off. I’ve had people tell me to ‘just relax’… Let me tell you… no relaxation or vacations can cure infertility… seriously, learn the science please… I’ve had people tell me, ‘you’re still young, don’t worry about it.’ Seriously, it doesn’t matter if you are 18 or 40, if you’ve been trying for 1 month or 20 years… the pain is just as real and never goes away. The list goes on and on.

My recommendation is for us to try to realize where others are coming from in their life before we begin to poke and prod into their lives and potentially cause some pain. My prayer is that we seek God in all aspects of our life and lean not on our own understandings. I pray we all learn to seek God's guidance, listen for Him, follow Him, trust in Him, praise Him and that He be glorified!

My Greatest Gift

The past couple of weeks have been hard on me emotionally. One medicine I am on is making my hormones go all over the place which is not normal for me. There will be days in which I cry so very easily, normally from happiness or awe of God and His creation and not from sadness though. Some days I’m battling ‘the mood’ in which I feel entirely grumpy at everything… Logically I know all is well and I’m fine, but my body is trying to tell me differently. Ugh, not something I enjoy having to deal with, but deal with it I must!

I say this all because the past year and well, the past month along in itself has been extremely difficult in one particular area. As I’ve mentioned in my past post, Jason and I have been entrusted with infertility. It seems as though everyone around us however has nothing of the sorts. We have seen what seems like almost all of our friends becoming pregnant for the first or second time… The past month we have known many to give birth to their sweet babies or announce that later this year a little one will be born to them. My thoughts have honestly been so full of joy to many of these wonderful people! I am so excited for a few of them you would think it was us who were expecting! I know these beautiful babies will have the best homes ever!

However… there are some conception announcements that we can not feel this excitement towards. We see the type of homes they will be born into and my heart sinks. Why God would you allow these babies to be born into an unloving and/or unhealthy home and still deny us children right now? I do not ask this in judgment of others or God, but as we look around the world, we all often ask questions like these to some degree. I know His plans are perfect and I trust Him completely, but that doesn’t always take away the questions, frustrations, pain and yes, even correctly channeled anger.

I spent a day this week battling this question. I truly feel God is going to bless us with children soon, but why still do we have to go through all of this when others just have to think about pregnancies and taadaa… there is a new life on the way? I know God has a plan for us and a reason for all of this, I just don’t know what it is yet.

So as I struggled and asked God a million questions the other day, I knew the only way to battle this was by flooding myself with Scripture! There is no way I could pick myself up; I had to focus on God and His truths! So that is just what I did. It took a very long time, but by the time I got home I was feeling better. (Getting to be with my sweet Jason was a large factor of this too I know!) At the bottom of this post are some of the Scripture versus I’ve been focusing on this week!

So I woke up the next morning and spent more quiet time with God; reading through Scripture and again, asking Him the same old questions from the day before and the days past. Despite my questions, I had and have such an incredible peace about everything. I shared with God that I know He has a plan and that I trust Him completely, but that I just wish I knew what it was. I don’t know or even think that it would necessarily make things easier, but still, I think it would be nice to know while we’re going through this. So I left the house that morning with one question in mind, “Why God, are you blessing some of these couples with babies when you know the type of home those children will be raised in? Why are you not instead giving us those precious souls?” Again, these questions are marked with peace and trust, not anger or disbelief. As I was driving to work, I felt God whisper the sweetest answer…!

“My dear child, I am blessing them with a child, but to you I have given such a greater blessing. I am blessing you with Myself first!”

Oh… what I gift I have been given during this time. God is 100% right (as always!)! While He has allowed for us to have to wait, He has revealed more and more of Himself to me along the way. I know more of God and have drawn closer to Him during this time. I am not the same person I was a year or two ago. While I know He will bless us with children, He wanted to give me the greatest gift of all FIRST… HIMSELF!!

Oh thank you LORD for giving me the ultimate gift which is greater than anything my mind can fathom. I know You grieve with us, but I know your perfect will far outweighs the struggle and pain we are going through now. Ultimately this path you have chosen for us will bring you more glory and us closer to You. Thank you my dear Creator, Father and Friend!

~Shanna~

Psalm 36: 5-12

Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the great mountains; Your judgments are a great deep; O Lord, You preserve man and beast. How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light. Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You, And Your righteousness to the upright in heart. Let not the foot of pride come against me, And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away. There the workers of iniquity have fallen; They have been cast down and are not able to rise.

Psalm 34

I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, And saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, And delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Who is the man who desires life, And loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil, And your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. He guards all his bones; Not one of them is broken.>

Psalm 62

To the Chief Musician. To Jeduthun. A Psalm of David. Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. How long will you attack a man? You shall be slain, all of you, Like a leaning wall and a tottering fence. They only consult to cast him down from his high position; They delight in lies; They bless with their mouth, But they curse inwardly. Selah My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah Surely men of low degree are a vapor, Men of high degree are a lie; If they are weighed on the scales, They are altogether lighter than vapor. Do not trust in oppression, Nor vainly hope in robbery; If riches increase, Do not set your heart on them. God has spoken once, Twice I have heard this: That power belongs to God. Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy; For You render to each one according to his work.