Our Closing Week in this Chapter

My how time has flown. It for sure hasn't been one of those 'time flies when having fun' moments lately, but more like I'm in shock at how much we have grown individually and as a couple; mentally, emotionally and spiritually, all in a relative short amount of time.

We've gone from the world of dating, to engagement, to marriage and all the major and minor life's events in there. We've gone through college and all its activities together, we've graduated together and built our first home together, and started our 'real' jobs together. We've discussed when to start a family and gone through the roller-coasters of infertility. We've discussed that we would not wait a long time before being tested (and thanks be to God for that!) and then which path to take after we received our results. Now that we are marking the end of this IVF path, looking back, I can say that we really have grown so much in such a short time. Neither Jason nor I are the same people we were when we meet for the first time in October of 2002 or when we first started dating in January 2003. We aren't even the same as we were this time last year as we enjoyed St. Lucia and 'kicked off' our trip towards parenthood. Now exactly a year later we are kissing good bye to this chapter in our lives and getting ready to take on a whole new one!

In less than a week, our little babies will be conceived and then will soon be growing in my tummy. I am hopeful in this because my trust and complete confidence in my God who strengthens me. I know after this week, our lives will never be the same and I can't wait to hold and kiss our little ones soon!

So I've started all my injections already; that's three per night right now. I have to say that it has all been so much easier than I thought. I know that is all relative and maybe it's because God is strengthening me and my eyes are focused on Him, my husband and our sweet babies. While this is likely the case, I am so thankful. This is the hardest week; hormones still ever changing and I'm now becoming tender internally as all my eggs are maturing and my ovaries are expanding. I laughed yesterday when I realized that I had more mature eggs in me than my dog Pickles does when she's in heat and ready for a 'litter'! To date the doctor appointments have been going well and I'm doing great. I pray for God's continual guidance and provisions throughout all of this.

While all is going well, this is still hard on us emotionally and I pray continually for strength spiritually. I've been having reoccurring dreams the past couple of weeks. They vary from dream to dream, but the premise is the same. I'll be driving at night and all is pitch black around me; I can't see anything. No matter what I try to do, the only light that will be produced is right in front of me, and I mean, right in front where I can see only my tires or the hood of the car. Feelings are fearful but I know I must keep on driving forward. It's not the dark that causes fear, but knowing that I must keep moving in the dark that causes the anxiety and makes me call out to God and ask for reassurance from Him. Sometimes I wake up while still driving w/o any sight and sometimes a car will come out in front of me. In my most recent dream it was a Police SUV that pulled out in front of me; only that suv was dimly lit and all else remained dark. I was so thankful to have something to keep my focus on during that dark time. Like in other dreams of mine in the past, I know that the 'emergency vehicles or people' represent spiritual beings, whether angels or God. In this dream, I knew that it was God reassuring me that He is 'right here with me' and that I am to keep my eyes focused on Him. While this doesn't help answer some questions we have or shine some light on the road signs, He shows us His grace is sufficient and that He is leading us; even though it's dark and we are uncertain so often. I am thankful for God's continual reminding on this and my soul rejoices and says:

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song I will praise Him."
~Psalm 28:7~