My Greatest Gift

The past couple of weeks have been hard on me emotionally. One medicine I am on is making my hormones go all over the place which is not normal for me. There will be days in which I cry so very easily, normally from happiness or awe of God and His creation and not from sadness though. Some days I’m battling ‘the mood’ in which I feel entirely grumpy at everything… Logically I know all is well and I’m fine, but my body is trying to tell me differently. Ugh, not something I enjoy having to deal with, but deal with it I must!

I say this all because the past year and well, the past month along in itself has been extremely difficult in one particular area. As I’ve mentioned in my past post, Jason and I have been entrusted with infertility. It seems as though everyone around us however has nothing of the sorts. We have seen what seems like almost all of our friends becoming pregnant for the first or second time… The past month we have known many to give birth to their sweet babies or announce that later this year a little one will be born to them. My thoughts have honestly been so full of joy to many of these wonderful people! I am so excited for a few of them you would think it was us who were expecting! I know these beautiful babies will have the best homes ever!

However… there are some conception announcements that we can not feel this excitement towards. We see the type of homes they will be born into and my heart sinks. Why God would you allow these babies to be born into an unloving and/or unhealthy home and still deny us children right now? I do not ask this in judgment of others or God, but as we look around the world, we all often ask questions like these to some degree. I know His plans are perfect and I trust Him completely, but that doesn’t always take away the questions, frustrations, pain and yes, even correctly channeled anger.

I spent a day this week battling this question. I truly feel God is going to bless us with children soon, but why still do we have to go through all of this when others just have to think about pregnancies and taadaa… there is a new life on the way? I know God has a plan for us and a reason for all of this, I just don’t know what it is yet.

So as I struggled and asked God a million questions the other day, I knew the only way to battle this was by flooding myself with Scripture! There is no way I could pick myself up; I had to focus on God and His truths! So that is just what I did. It took a very long time, but by the time I got home I was feeling better. (Getting to be with my sweet Jason was a large factor of this too I know!) At the bottom of this post are some of the Scripture versus I’ve been focusing on this week!

So I woke up the next morning and spent more quiet time with God; reading through Scripture and again, asking Him the same old questions from the day before and the days past. Despite my questions, I had and have such an incredible peace about everything. I shared with God that I know He has a plan and that I trust Him completely, but that I just wish I knew what it was. I don’t know or even think that it would necessarily make things easier, but still, I think it would be nice to know while we’re going through this. So I left the house that morning with one question in mind, “Why God, are you blessing some of these couples with babies when you know the type of home those children will be raised in? Why are you not instead giving us those precious souls?” Again, these questions are marked with peace and trust, not anger or disbelief. As I was driving to work, I felt God whisper the sweetest answer…!

“My dear child, I am blessing them with a child, but to you I have given such a greater blessing. I am blessing you with Myself first!”

Oh… what I gift I have been given during this time. God is 100% right (as always!)! While He has allowed for us to have to wait, He has revealed more and more of Himself to me along the way. I know more of God and have drawn closer to Him during this time. I am not the same person I was a year or two ago. While I know He will bless us with children, He wanted to give me the greatest gift of all FIRST… HIMSELF!!

Oh thank you LORD for giving me the ultimate gift which is greater than anything my mind can fathom. I know You grieve with us, but I know your perfect will far outweighs the struggle and pain we are going through now. Ultimately this path you have chosen for us will bring you more glory and us closer to You. Thank you my dear Creator, Father and Friend!

~Shanna~

Psalm 36: 5-12

Your mercy, O Lord, is in the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the great mountains; Your judgments are a great deep; O Lord, You preserve man and beast. How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house, And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light. Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You, And Your righteousness to the upright in heart. Let not the foot of pride come against me, And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away. There the workers of iniquity have fallen; They have been cast down and are not able to rise.

Psalm 34

I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make its boast in the Lord; The humble shall hear of it and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, And let us exalt His name together. I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, And saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, And delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints! There is no want to those who fear Him. The young lions lack and suffer hunger; But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. Come, you children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord. Who is the man who desires life, And loves many days, that he may see good? Keep your tongue from evil, And your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; Seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, And His ears are open to their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all. He guards all his bones; Not one of them is broken.>

Psalm 62

To the Chief Musician. To Jeduthun. A Psalm of David. Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. How long will you attack a man? You shall be slain, all of you, Like a leaning wall and a tottering fence. They only consult to cast him down from his high position; They delight in lies; They bless with their mouth, But they curse inwardly. Selah My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah Surely men of low degree are a vapor, Men of high degree are a lie; If they are weighed on the scales, They are altogether lighter than vapor. Do not trust in oppression, Nor vainly hope in robbery; If riches increase, Do not set your heart on them. God has spoken once, Twice I have heard this: That power belongs to God. Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy; For You render to each one according to his work.