On the Lighter Side

Tonight Jason and I went out to dinner. As we ate I ‘celebrated’ multiple (and some petty) things after the past 3 trying weeks.

1) I am on the road to recovery and out of the hospital (again)… major blessing and answer to prayers.

2) I am able to dress in normal attire after ditching the wonderful world of hospital fashion. I was lucky to have to have a hospital gown that not only opened to the back but snapped along the shoulders, was 5xs too big and had a pocket in the front that completely opened to the skin. Yup, you read that right. I had to wear a heart monitor so the wires had to come through this pocket which made it open up and expose what should remain covered up. To avoid any embarrassing moments, I had to tape it up around the wires. This just added extra coolness to my awesome outfit I got to show off for a week!

3) And my most favorite… I can wear all my old clothes again and I’m back in my jeans!

Let me explain #3…

Last week after hospital round #1, I came home with 20 extra lbs of fluid build up even after draining 6 liters of fluid from my abdomen during my stay. It was pretty frightening looking at myself in the mirror; lumpy is the only way to describe it. I had lumps on my lower back, I couldn’t stand up straight due to the stretching of my upper and lower abdomen (my belly button was starting to pop out some) and my thighs and hips were water logged. Surprising, very little water was retained in my calves, my feet, my arms and my face (yay I guess!). None of my clothes fit so I had to wear flowing dresses and night gowns for days. After a couple of days I had Jason take me to Target to get some ‘larger underclothes’ just in case the water didn’t keep coming off as fast. Well, safe to say it did and now the underclothes are stored away unused for when I’m pregnant with our sweet little ones.

So needless to say, the first few days after being back from the hospital were spent sitting, laying down and running to the ladies room! I’d have to get out of bed every 40 min to an hour each night. Sometimes I’d run back to bed celebrating and waking Jason up to announce that I’d lost another 3 lbs! He’d pretend to be excited for me and roll back to bed as I’d lay awake smiling from ear to ear imagining the days of jeans and my ‘old’ wardrobe!

By the time this past Monday came around, I was back to my old size and weight, but I was hanging around the house so stayed in my comfy clothes. Little did I know that I’d be back in the hospital by noon and never getting to try my ol’ stuff on. So I spent a couple more days in the wonderful hospital fashion I’ve grown accustomed to and then… went to dinner tonight and put on my ol’ pair of jeans! After 3 weeks of this, I’m happy to say that I enjoyed the blue denim on my legs!

So… I think I need my own commercial and weight loss program. “Hi, my name is Shanna and I lost 20 lbs in less than a week. My secret…? Peeing! Get your kidneys functioning after a week of hell and fluid build up, and tada… 20 lbs lighter! Kidney function… works every time!”

All joking aside, I am so thankful for the answered prayers and God healing my body to allow it to begin functioning normally again! Nice to see my body back to normal before it goes through pregnancy later this year!

Round Two - Another Hospital Visit

Monday morning I woke up with extreme pains under my right ribcage. It subdued enough for me to be able to take a shower, and sit down on the couch to try to start working again. The pains started to come back, but only when I moved or took a deep breath. I thought it would go away, naturally, so I joined in on our conference call for work. 30 minutes later I had to hang up b/c the pains were so bad. I had to take shallow breaths. To make a long story short, about noon I had my sweet neighbor Kim take me to the ER and Jason met us there. My mother-in-law also came to join us shortly after. 7 hours, a CT Scan, chest x-ray, ultrasound, blood tests, pain meds, etc later, I was admitted into the hospital again with fluid on the lung after ruling out gallbladder and blood clots. So I spent Monday night in the hospital wondering if they were going to have to drain the fluid using a needle through the back (very risky due to the possibility of puncturing the lungs) or if it could drain naturally.

I found out Tuesday late morning that we would let it drain naturally. I had breathing treatments and exercises to do to help my lungs expand, push out the fluid and help prevent pneumonia. I saw 3 doctors that day and spoke with our fertility clinic on the phone. We got to see the CT Scans which was pretty interesting in itself. The fluid build up was a result of the Ovarian Hyperstim from last week. Getting the severe form of Hyperstim and requiring hospitalization is rare as well as developing the fluid around the lung. So at this point after beating all the ‘odds’, I’m thinking we need to buy a lotto ticket and see what happens! Maybe this time the results could be fun, ha!

I was released Wednesday afternoon and told to do my breathing exercises every hour. I’ll head back to the doctors next week to check on my progress unless something changes for the worse between now and then. I’m so thankful to be home, but it’s still a little unnerving to know I’m sitting here with fluid around my lungs…

I felt really worried on Monday sitting in the ER as the thought of a blood clot was on everyone’s mind. I prayed often for God’s peace during this anxious time. What relief when a clot was ruled out! The pain was awful, but I was thankful it wasn’t consistent. When I was told to take the deep breaths and exercises despite the pain, I wasn’t thrilled, but it sure did help! Pain is always okay when you know it’s going to help you and prove good results in the end. Pain without knowing the cause or wondering if you are hurting your self worse is unnerving.

I woke up Tuesday pretty frustrated down deep that I was back in the hospital. Thankful at the same time though for all my blessings and knowing God was right there with me, I decided to focus my time on correcting my attitude and keep my eyes on God. It was a difficult day trying not to pout while I was in there, but a beautiful day as I purposefully counted my blessings. This hospital stay was much easier now that I had become more of a pro at hospital visits and routines!

Tuesday night gave me very little sleep! I was woken up every 30 min to an hour for ultrasounds to check for blood clots, ultrasounds to check for fluid in my abdomen from last week, blood pressure checks, antibiotics through IVs, blood work, etc. Needless to say I was pretty tired on Wednesday, but perked up when I found out I was going to be able to come home!

I’ll never fully know why God has allowed us to go through ALL of this, but I trust Him and am thankful that He is right here with us. I am thankful I can give Him all my anxieties, fears, concerns, thoughts, hopes, joys, future, health, family and loved ones and know that He is sovereign and perfect and holy; He has plans for all of us, plans for a future full of good in which His name will be glorified and He will continue to pour out His love for us.


Here are some of Scripture verses I focused on this week:

~Isaiah 41:9-10~
“You whom I have taken from the end of the erath, and called from its farthest regions, and said to you, ‘You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’”

~Lamentations 3:22-26~
“Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. ‘The LORD is my portion,’ says my soul. ‘Therefore I hope in Him!’ The LORD is good to those who wait on Him. To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.”

Thankfulness

There comes a point in our lives when things happen and we learn how truly blessed we are with the people in our lives. Jason and I are filled with such gratitude and awe as we have come to see how amazing our family and friends are. We have been blessed with numerous prayers, thoughts, emails and phone calls. We have had dear friends visit us at the hospital, bring us dinner and other goodies and offer their love and support. Some of God's greatest gifts come from and through the people He places in our lives.

I want to thank you all for EVERYTHING you have done. I look forward to getting 100% better and being able to be there for each of you as well. May God be with you and your families as well!

Lots of love and prayers for you all!!

Dryness

LORD, I know You are out there, and I know You are here.
I remember You saying, ‘You are right here with me.’
I know of Your love, Your holiness,
And I know what Your peace and joy feel like in me.

I have no doubts and my trust and hope is in You,
And yet my soul is dry and fear of the uncertain takes over.
How can I feel dry when I know You are here?
Could there be a wall I’ve built that I am unaware?

If there be a wall, some fake protection from the pain,
Please LORD, remove it, break it all down.
If I have to march around the wall day after day blowing my horn,
I’ll sing Your praises knowing that soon it will fall.

I can’t go on without feeling You each day,
You in my heart is what completes me.
I miss Your unexplainable Joy and Peace you provide;
One that isn’t determined by our circumstances.

I know we are going through this journey for a reason,
Your plans are great and I trust in You.
But my fears are still there and the pain won’t go away,
How do I remain joyful while I wait? How do I embrace the pain?

What do I do with my thoughts and my days?
Thinking of children while waiting hurts to bad.
I miss the joy and happiness I felt not too long ago,
I have too much here to let it all go.

I’m thankful for my dear husband and friend,
I want to make sure I don’t throw away any time with him.
I want us to be ‘carefree’ and trusting,
Waiting together but not wishing time away.

Teach me to wait with grace and joy,
Break down this unforeseen wall.
I want to feel Your presence again,
And this dryness to be delivered by Your water.

Show me what to do,
I pray for clarity.
Heal my dryness,
And let me feel Your Peace and Joy again.

Another Ebb and Tide...

It’s been almost two weeks since our egg retrieval. A lot has happened in these two weeks and none of it was what we had envisioned, planned or hoped for. Jason had to take me to the ER on Thursday after the retrieval which led to my admittance to the hospital that evening. You read of the risks associated with certain procedures or medicines you take throughout your life, but you always assume or pray the worst won’t really happen to you. We knew I could likely develop Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome and that even a much smaller percentage could require hospitalization. I guess I was just one of those odds; just my draw of the cards. I spent 5 days and 5 nights in the hospital as they treated Sever OHHS. I think Thursday – Saturday was the most emotional for me and Jason and we learned of my sever situation and dealt with the hospital’s incompetence and lack of communication in the beginning. IVs, antibiotics, bed rest and I ended up having 3 paracentesis of over 6 liters total (draining of the fluid build up in my abdomen). My ovaries were the size of baseballs instead of walnuts which caused so much of the problems. My body sent all my nutrients to the site of the ‘infection’, which left nothing for my blood and rest of the body. I got to go home this past Tuesday evening though and have spent my days in bed resting. I gained 15-20 lbs of water retention while in the hospital and I’m so very thankful to say it’s all off now. I’ll have to spend the next week or two resting and staying at home with very limited activity.

They ended up having to freeze our embryos and we will try the transfer process here in the next couple of months after my body has time to heal and get healthy again. We want to make sure our babies have the best possible start and right now, my body couldn’t do that. I won’t have to go through the egg retrieval process again, so the transfer process is much easier and no risk of OHHS again. Maybe mid-June or mid-July will be our new transfer date.

For now, I’ll work on getting healthy and back to work as well. I pray for strength during this time as I struggle with the ebb and tide of emotions yet again. I know with God all things are possible, but I struggle with trying to build a wall around myself to protect from risk of future hurts, disappointments, frustrations and fears. I know this isn’t good and pray for God to help. I pray I grow and strengthen, but by no means do I want to become hardened. This is hard on me and Jason, but we are going through this as a couple. I am so thankful for him by my side. He’s been such a wonderful help as I heal. I also am so thankful for our wonderful family and friends who have prayed and help us during this time.

Our Babies are doing well!

Well, I spoke with the doctor today and they said that they retrieved 50-60 follicles yesterday and that there were 29 mature eggs total. After injecting the sperm into the egg, they wait about 24 hours and then check on them.

THEY LOOK GREAT today and are now growing and diving as we speak!

Our sweet babies are tucked away safely and growing! How exciting! We won't know more until later this week as they don't want to interrupt them more than they have to. For now, our transfer date is Saturday!

Thanking God and praying for each one more than words can describe!

Here are some pictures of embroy's their first week of development for your reference (not our babies though...)


1 Day Embryo; zygote


3 Day embryo


"Day 5 IVF embryo at the blastocyst stageThe cluster of cells on the right side are fetal cellsThe other peripheral cells will become the placentaThe fluid-filled cavity of the blastocyst is on the left side."

Photos taken from http://www.advancedfertility.com/

'Good Stimmer' But Not Feeling So Good

I intended to post more this past week, but honestly I was not up to it. One goal was of course to write about Easter and the other was to talk about our journey and how it all was going.

Well, after multiple daily injections and frequent doctor visits, it turns out that I am a very good ‘stimmer’ which means that I react to the injections very well and produce MANY eggs. Depending on the women’s body and the cause of infertility if applicable, some women can produce as few as 5 follicles and even into the 20s. A follicle is a fluid filled sac in the ovaries that may contain an egg. Not every follicle will contain an egg; usually about 50-70%. Recently our doctor had a patient who had 40 follicles. Well, last Friday the nurse counted 53 follicles… 28 in one and 25 in another. You should have seen her eyes get real wide. At the end she smiled at me and Jason and told me as I got dressed she was going to take the ultrasound pictures to the doctor. When I came out, everyone was standing around smiling at me all wide-eyed saying… wow… you must be so sore. Whew… I thought I had a high tolerance for pain, but I sure had been tender this week and this sure did explain it. Most women are shocked when they have 20 something… I had over 50! So the doctor explained what this means and what the risks were and how the pain would be. Needless to say, we didn’t do anything this weekend. Went to 2 movies and I lay around the house. Went to Easter service and then enjoyed a great dinner with Jason’s mom and grandma! The dinner was simple and yet good; they were so sweet in bringing a few things so I wasn’t in the kitchen cooking. I tell you, it was hard to just move w/o being sore. And then my stomach started to bloat so bad that week too and by the weekend I was ‘miserable’. Other than my colonoscopy, I never talked so openly about stomach problems with Jason! Although it didn’t feel the best, I tried to make light of the situation and tease our dog Pickles that I had more eggs than she did when she had her litters!

Monday morning the 5th came and Jason and I were so excited. We went in, they prepped me and started the anesthesia. What takes about 15 min or less for other patience, took the doctors 40 minutes for me! As I came to, I started to cry at the excitement of becoming a mommy… I felt the pain, but it wasn’t awful… yet… About 3 hours after the surgery it hit… the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Before Monday, the worst pain I’ve had dealt with was from my intestinal problems in which my intestines and stomach muscles spasm and contracted for 30 min straight; took my breath away and left me in pain for a week afterwards… This pain yesterday was worse than that even. I couldn’t sit or lie down in any position and all I could take was Tylenol which didn’t help. The doctors warned me about the pain and actually said they were worried about it. Normally women don’t feel like this b/c they don’t have so many eggs… as the doctor says, it’s like stabbing your arm 60 times; it will become painful and swollen. Except this is my internal organs… which makes it that much worse. Ugh, so I’ll stop with the details and share that I did start to feel some what better this morning. All day today though has not been fun at all and I’m in continual prayers that God takes the pain away. I hope each day gets better and better and my health increases instead of developing Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.

I’d also like to end saying that I am so thankful for my wonderful husband who has been so sweet and has taken wonderful care of me! Also, thank you to those who have been so sweet in sharing your prayers and kind words. For now I’ll try to keep my eyes focused on Him and our sweet little babies! Saturday morning will be the big transfer day!!