The Comparison Trap: Part I and II

Before becoming, and especially once pregnant, I was determined to work on not having any expectations for our children and ourselves.  I knew it was important to learn each other, nurture and love each other, rather than to stress over the details of our life that would soon be changing quickly. 

Months into parenthood, I realized I was developing expectations about our routine and how we spent our days (and nights) as I have previously posted.  Even with great intentions, expectations can dangerously creep into our lives and become our focus.

I mention the slippery slope of expectations because I believe it is the twin of the comparison trap.  Just like expectations, even when we set off on our journey with intentions of avoiding these landmines, we end up falling short and set down the road of comparing.  It’s important to differentiate between general observations and the comparisons I am talking about.  Noticing someone has brown or blond hair, is short or tall, male or female, etc… Those are in my opinion general observations.  In my mind, comparisons are a ‘heart issue’ instead.  What do we do with these general observations we make?  How much of our energy is used thinking about these comparisons?  How do we voice them if at all?  Do they make us feel uplifted or depressed?

Part I: Unleashing Our Comparisons On Others

For some reason, ushering into marriage for most of us brings about the unavoidable temptation to compare our spouse and/or our marriage with others we see around us.  Is our spouse meeting our ‘expectations’ we should have never placed on him/her?  Is our marriage ‘as romantic’ as our friends?  Whatever it might be we are comparing, it’s wrong just as expectations are wrong.  It’s beautiful to have goals and hope, but if our expectations are anything other than ‘of the Lord’, they are unrighteous thoughts that, without God’s help and grace, can lead others and ourselves into a prison possibly for a life sentence.

No matter how we have learned to handle (or not handle) our comparisons in marriage, nothing brings out this ‘twin’ like parenthood does.  From our children’s first day we begin to unconsciously compare him/her to others.  How much do they weigh and what is their height?  Why is a ‘big baby’ worthy of more ‘praise’ than a petite baby in our society?  From thence forth, their weight and height is always a topic amongst parents.  Again, the same question?  As the child grows, parents begin to compare their physical developments with each other and then their ‘mental’ developments as well.  Soon parents compare them based on their academic and behavioral ‘success’.  Then it’s comparing them in sports, the job force, their marriage and their kids.  It’s a never-ending trap that sucks the life out of them, our family and us. 

I cannot stress enough just how important, just how vital, it is to remember that God made each child of ours, and others, exactly how He planned.  Each child is fearfully and wonderfully made!  Knit together inside his/her mother’s womb by our Creator, the giver of every life!  He has a special plan for each child; a unique plan for their lives.  He blessed each child with certain gifts and talents to be used later for His glory.  He loves each child more than we can ever fathom.  It is our job as parents to nurture, love and shepherd this beautiful child(ren) we have been entrusted with in the ways of the Lord.  Rear them to be the unique person God made them to be.  Celebrate whom God made them to be, not who you or society wants them to be!  Children should never be compared with their siblings or other children we know.  They shouldn’t be made to conform to the ‘books’ we read on parenting.

Perhaps I’m so passionate about this because God has blessed and entrusted Jason and me with twin boys, and for some reason, society places so many unjust comparisons on twins.  Whether identical or fraternal as Gavin and Wyatt are, twins are unique individuals just as any other child would be.  Yes, they may share uncanny similarities and a bond that is like no other, but they are still 100% individuals.  That means each will develop differently, have different passions and talents.  Yes, the similarities may be high, but they are not the same and should never be treated the same.

I do not understand the unnecessary comments and comparisons when we are out in public.  Why people we do not even know feel the need to tell me one is taller than the other, one seems more friendly than the other, their head shapes are different, etc. is beyond me!  Again, general observations are normal, but it’s what we do with them that is important.  When we make an observation, that should be it, just an observation and we move on.  No more thinking about it.  I know some might disagree with me on this, but here is where I’m coming from.

Our two oldest sons are 2 minutes apart.  We’re currently pregnant with our youngest son who will be 17 months younger.  Boys by nature compete.  I’m well of aware of this and never want to hinder this.  But one of my many strongest prayers is that Gavin, Wyatt and Luke learn to embrace and support how God has specially and uniquely made them and each of their brothers.  I want this celebration for each person’s uniqueness to spill over into their every day life as they interact with others and develop outside relationships.  I pray for this in our home, but I know there is no way to remove this comparison trap from society.  It will be used as a teaching tool in our home for sure, but oh how I pray more would be awakened to the damaging affects of comparison.  Through prayer and God’s grace, He alone can work on our hearts to help us in this area.

Part II: Unleashing Our Comparisons On Ourselves

I’ve been talking to a couple of my good friends the past couple of weeks about this topic of comparing children.  In addition, we’ve all confessed with sad hearts the bondage we can create by comparing ourselves with others; whether in our marriage and/or in parenting.  As a SAHM I’m constantly thinking, am I cooking well enough and keeping the house clean enough.  I am blessed with an amazing supportive husband who creates zero pressure on me in this area, and yet I still fret.  Why can a friend of mine seem to be doing so much better in a certain area?  What can I do to improve?  The most important thoughts in my mind of course circle endlessly about my relationship with my husband and my children.  Am I nurturing each relationship as it should?  Am I walking with God in each of these areas?  What can I be doing better?  Better, better, better?  What can I improve on?  Am I teaching my children correctly?  Am I shepherding them to follow Christ?  The list is endless.  I see something another woman is doing and think, ‘should I be doing that?’

I’ll go back to my thoughts on general observations.  It’s great to learn new things and try new things from others!  It’s part of being in a community that I think God wanted us to experience.  But how much of our energy is focused on this?  How do I feel about myself, or life when thinking of these observations?

We can fall into this pit without ever realizing it.  One day we just wake up and realized we’ve been swallowed and we’ve lost our Focus and Light.  As we know, He’s never gone, but when our eyes are not focused on Him, we are lost.  Just as we learn to give our children the grace God so lavishes on us daily (and let’s face it, hourly and by the minute!), we need to just as importantly allow ourselves to receive the grace He’s already given us.  Share with each other and learn with each other, but do not compare.  Take great comfort in walking your days with the Lord and letting Him lead you and your family.  Keep Him the focus and not others.  Find your continual peace and joy in Him, and Him alone.  For no one can provide us what our hearts long for except for Him who created it!  Pray to grow in God’s time, but do not long for it or make it your focus. 

I thank God for speaking to my heart as I type these words.  I thank God for opening my eyes and heart to realize that I too often place ‘my growth’ before Him.  Striving to become better can easily become my focus.  I’m thankful for God’s gentle whispers and healing touch to remind me to rest in Him.

May we all better learn to relish in the grace of God through Christ, and freely pour it out our spouse, children and all those around us.